The
story of dads and divorce is being
ignored even as ongoing studies confirm
that fathers in nuclear families are
vital to the welfare of children.
John Barrymore III, the son of actor
John Barrymore Jr. and half-brother
of actress Drew Barrymore grew up
in a home without his dad. John III
parents divorced before he entered
first grade. His dad left for Italy
and came back to discover that he
had been given visitation rights only
at the mother discretion. John was
at the door to manhood before his
dad came back into his life. He tells
Insight he was living in an apartment
above his mother garage when his father
started toshow up at his window.
''He probably figured since I was
almost 18 he could just disregard
having to ask my mother permission
to see me,'' Barrymore says. ''That
was 30 years ago, and we been the
best of friends for those 30 years.
I still speak to him almost every
day by telephone and see him every
time I go to Los Angeles.'' If you
have any doubt what these two have
meant to each other from the beginning,
go back and take a look at Insight
cover. That the Barrymores in 1958
before the divorce.
John story may be more high profile
than most, but it is not atypical.
Although the number of single fathers
raising kids increased in the last
decade by 62 percent, according to
the latest Census data, that number
still does not compare to the number
of single moms raising their children.
While more fathers are starting to
assert their rights in courts during
custody battles over children, physical
custody still is more often awarded
to mothers than fathers, despite the
important role dads need to play in
the lives of their children. Stories
of deadbeat dads readily are available,
but the story of divorced fathers
trying to be good dads is one not
often told. And new studies reveal
that custody battles and divorce have
more long-term negative effects on
men and children than they do on women.
Today, 50 percent of all white children
and 75 percent of all black children
likely will live some portion of their
childhood with only their mothers.
In 1950, about half of all black women
lived with their spouses. Forty years
later the percentage had dropped to
one-third. A 15-year study published
in 1995 concerning families and divorce
found that 70 percent of children
who experienced divorce had worse
outcomes on a number of social measurements
than if their parents had stayed married.
The importance of fathers has been
well documented. Fatherless children
are twice as likely to drop out of
school as their classmates who grew
up in a two-parent home, 72 percent
of all teen-age murderers grew up
without fathers, and fatherless children
are 11 times more likely than children
from intact families to exhibit violent
behavior.
Although more Dads are getting access
to their kids after a divorce, a majority
are not. ''When you are dealing with
equally fit parents, four out of five
times the mother will be awarded physical
custody of the children with the father
sometimes sharing the legal custody,''
says John Bauserman Jr., a family
lawyer in Northern Virginia. Bauserman
has noticed that dads often lose custody
battles and end up just writing checks
for child support without so much
as access. He blames the courts and
the legal system which he sees as
ill-equipped to adjudicate family
life.
''The problems of alleged court bias
can be partially blamed on myths about
divorced men,'' says Diane O, a New
York journalist who collaborated on
Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths
with Arizona State University professor
Sanford Braver. He conducted a 15-year
longitudinal study of divorced couples
and their behaviors. O says they found
the allegations that most men refuse
to pay child support wildly exaggerated.
While many men do default on child
support, the majority pay on time
and when a father is awarded joint
legal custody despite protests of
the mother the payment record almost
is perfect, she says. Other myths
dispelled by Braver and O include
the canard that men are the instigators
of divorce and that divorced mothers
emotionally are paralyzed and divorced
fathers carefree.
University of Iowa law professor Margaret
Brinig and Stephen Nock, a sociologist
at the University of Virginia, found
that in two-thirds of divorce cases
women file to terminate the marriage.
And in another report to be published
by Cambridge University Press this
year as part of a book by Robert Rowthorn
and Antony Dnes, Divorce and Marriage:
An Economic Perspective, Brinig and
Nock found that men tend to suffer
from postdivorce depression much more
than their former wives. They also
have a much higher suicide rate in
such circumstances.
''Fathers have to try harder, learn
more and be a lot better at the court
system than mothers do on the whole,''
says Darryl Hand, a California child-custody
expert. His organization, Win Child
Custody, helps parents navigate the
court system and prepare for custody
battles. ''And no one in their right
mind would be involved in a custody
battle which can be so costly unless
they thought it was best for the children.''
That is what a dad from Columbia,
Md., thought. Craig Deanto is an electronics
engineer with two children. After
almost 15 years of marriage he filed
for divorce and custody of his children
on grounds of the mother adultery,
child abduction and child neglect.
''I just had to get my kids to a safe
place,'' he tells Insight over the
phone from Florida.
Deanto wife confessed to all three
allegations during a deposition. Court
testimony revealed that he had been
a good father and had engaged in no
misbehavior. A court-ordered psychologist
diagnosed his wife as depressed and
having difficulty connecting with
her children. Both children indicated
that their father was a better parent
and the one they would like to take
care of them. Therefore Deanto was
shocked, he says, when a female judge
in Maryland not only awarded custody
to his wife but ordered his wages
garnished and his car and house given
to her.
With the evidence at hand, Deanto
was quizzed at length by the judge
about his acceptance of paternal responsibility,
but the only questions she asked his
wife were, ''How often did he fix
dinner for you,'' and ''Over the course
of the marriage how often did he do
your laundry?''
Jeffrey Leving, a family-law attorney
in Chicago, says ''The problem we
have in the courts is that there is
gender bias. The courts should not
be pro-mom or pro-dad; they should
be pro-child.'' Leving says more and
more fathers are being cut out of
the lives of their children as a result
of blocked visitations to the children
by the custodial mother. ''If a father
defaults on child support he can be
incarcerated, but if a mother defaults
on his visitation rights a father
has to take her to court at great
expense that could have been spent
on the child,'' says Leving.
Jed Abraham, author of From Courtship
to Courtroom: What Divorce Law is
Doing to Marriage, says that because
of these statistics the odds are not
in favor of men who want to stay married
in America. ''I think divorce rates
and child-custody battles make it
a gamble for men to get married and
become dads,'' he tells Insight. ''If
they get divorced, 80 percent will
lose custody of their children and
will incur great financial burden
because of legal fees.''
Abraham insists he is in favor of
marriage, but warns gravely of the
statistical reality of divorce and
custody battles. He, too, believes
that the so-called family courts are
ill-equipped to deal with social and
cultural problems and only have contributed
to the breakdown of American families.
''If divorce law makes men realize
the odds of their marriage succeeding
are low, they will be less likely
to commit in the first place, which
is a common complaint of women today,''
Abraham says.
''The bureaucracy is chewing up people
lives,'' another father who asked
to remain anonymous tells Insight.
The court awarded custody of his son
to the child mother despite the boy
desire to live with his dad, who paid
child support well before he was ordered
to do so by the court. It wasn until
his son was 14 years old and allowed
to testify in court that he would
like to be with his dad that custody
was awarded to the father.
Many fathers interviewed by Insight
complained that court-ordered visitation
never was enforced, with the practical
result that they were allowed to see
their children less than 25 percent
of the time scheduled.''Standard visitation
is only 40 hours a month, and it is
difficult to get that sometimes,''
complained one father. ''How can you
have a relationship based on 40 hours
a month?''
After his house and car were taken,
and wages garnished, Deanto was forced
to move in with his parents in Florida.
He since has been able to get back
on his feet and move into his own
house, and has started to write songs
about the problems of divorce in America.
He is in the process of making a CD
with the Commodores which he hopes
will be released soon.
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