Shared Parenting Showdown--Your Emails Wanted

New York's Shared Parenting Bill has reached a critical point and we want to help give the bill a strong push forward.

New York is a battleground state for shared parenting and fatherhood. Family law has been in the spotlight there, as the New York Matrimonial Commission has held hearings on family law across the state. The Commission recently recommended no-fault divorce for New York.

A330, the New York Shared Parenting Bill, is sponsored by the Coalition of Fathers and Families New York, the New York affiliate of the American Coalition for Fathers & Children.

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What the Bill Would Do

Today joint custody is rare in New York and sole custody for mothers is the norm. A330 would "require the court to award custody to both parents in the absence of allegations that shared parenting would be detrimental to the child." It would place the burden of proof that shared parenting would be detrimental where it should be--on the parent requesting sole custody.

The bill also establishes an order of preference for custody, the top preference being joint custody. If the court decides against joint custody, it must state its reasons.

How to Take Action

The bill is slated to be heard by the New York State Assembly's Children & Families Committee within a few weeks. Nearly three dozen New York State Assemblypersons have signed on to the bill as sponsors or co-sponsors, giving the bill momentum. This momentum will be lost if the bill dies in committee. That's why I want all of you to write to the committee members with your support for this bill by clicking here.

According to FAFNY, letters and calls from anywhere in the country help because they give the bill attention and show the broad national support for shared parenting. To call the Committee members also, click here.

Like California, New York is a battleground state for family law because what happens there has a great impact on the family law of other states. A victory on A330 would reverberate across the country, aiding in ways large or small every child of divorce.

I want a letter from every individual on this list, no matter what state you live in. To write a letter, click here. To call the Committee members also, click here.

Hearing from so many of you over the past several years, it would be hard to put into words the amount of pain and misery caused by our current family law system and its sole custody, win/lose orientation. Now is your chance to help change the system.

We Can Win

The battle for A330 won't be easy but you have helped win great victories in the past and can do so here, too. For example, in 2004 we mobilized over 2,000 people to defeat a California bill which would have given custodial parents almost unlimited right to move children out of noncustodial parents' lives.

Last year we helped the California Alliance for Families and Children push through SB 1082, a bill to help noncustodial parents who serve in the Armed Forces.

We have had numerous other successes (click here to learn more). Again, I want all of you to participate by clicking here.

How A330/Shared Parenting Helps Kids

Numerous studies show that shared parenting is what's best for kids. To cite one, Robert Bauserman, Ph.D, conducted a meta-analysis of 33 studies between 1982 to 1999 that examined 1,846 sole-custody and 814 joint-custody children. Bauserman found that "Children in joint custody arrangements had less behavior and emotional problems, had higher self-esteem, better family relations and school performance than children in sole custody arrangements."

Who Opposes A330?

A330 is opposed by the usual suspects--feminists and divorce attorneys. The New York Chapter of the National Organization for Women and the National Coalition for Family Justice oppose A330 and instead advocate de facto automatic sole custody privileges for mothers under the pretense that it is what's best for children. In reality, what's best for children of divorce is that we protect their loving bonds with the two most important people in their lives--their moms and dads. The New York State Matrimonial Bar Association has also expressed opposition to the bill, though they have not yet formally opposed it.

Some of you may have noticed a few weeks ago that NY NOW president Marcia Pappas wrote a column on family law in the New York Times in which she cited husbands who wanted divorces because dad's "girlfriend is pregnant." This is typical of the contempt and disregard which feminists show for divorced dads--are we going to allow them to make our family law?

Again, to participate, click here.

A Long Struggle

New York shared parenting advocates have been waging this fight for a long time. In 1980, for example, they succeeded in passing a shared parenting bill similar to this one. Then-Governor Hugh Carey vetoed it. In 2002 I co-authored a column about a previous New York Shared Parenting bill--Can Abolishing Sole Custody Curb Divorce? (New York Sun, 10/2/02). In the column we discussed how unfair the current system is to fathers. We wrote:

"'I walk a tightrope every day, just so I can stay a part of my young daughter's life,' says Jerry, a 38 year-old engineer from San Diego, California. 'If I have an argument with my wife, she spreads the divorce papers out on the living room table and begins to fill them out. There's no compromising with her--I either accept her decisions or she threatens to divorce me. If she does, she'll get custody of my little girl and I doubt she'll even let me see her, much less play an active role in raising her'...

"Both Jerry and his wife know the grim fate that often awaits a divorcing dad. Courts rarely grant sole custody or even joint physical custody to fathers, and standard visitation is just a few days a month...

"The problem is that my wife knows that the family court system puts her in complete control," Jerry says. "She feels she has nothing to lose in a divorce, so she has no incentive to work our problems out. But I'll lose the most important thing in the world to me--my little girl."

Again, to participate, click here.

New Edition of Leving's Divorce Magazine Now Online
The second edition of Leving's Divorce Magazine, the new magazine for the modern divorced men, is now available online with articles focusing on issues such as men's reproductive rights (or lack thereof), Parental Alienation Syndrome and child support. Visit now and get a free subscription. 

The Second Wives Club
The Second Wives Club is what women in blended families are looking for: Remarriage, divorce, child custody, and step parenting discussed in a solution-oriented, mature, and intelligent way; articles and news written by thought-provoking experts and journalists; personal accounts and advice from some of life's most interesting women.
www.SecondWivesClub.com

Divorce Attorneys, Feminists Push Virtual Visitation as a Substitute for Dad's Parenting Time

The new Associated Press article 'Virtual' visits pushed in several states (USA Today, 2/28/06) extols the virtues of virtual visitation:

"Divorce put David List and his 2-year-old daughter on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean, and he worried that she would soon forget him.

"She hasn't, though. List's divorce agreement guaranteed him 'virtual visitation'-- the chance to talk with his daughter through an Internet video connection -- and he and Ruby Rose, now 5, usually connect at least twice a week. The chats sustain them in between their in-person visits, which come only a few times a year.

"'When she gets off the plane, I know what she had for dinner last night,' said List, 49, of Santa Cruz, Calif. 'She'll run right up to me and jump in my arms because I know exactly what she's all about.'

"Advocates of virtual visitation want states to spell out in their laws that judges can make it part of a divorce agreement.

"The benefits go beyond helping parents and children stay close, supporters argue. They say non-custodial parents are more likely to pay child support regularly if they can stay in touch, and electronic visits can help keep children from getting caught up in fights when bickering exes meet in person.

"Utah made virtual visitation an official option in 2004, and similar legislation awaits the governor's signature in Wisconsin. Illinois, Missouri and Virginia lawmakers have introduced proposals, too."

I frankly find all of this happy talk about virtual visitation appalling. I have no problem with virtual visitation in and of itself--what I oppose is the way it is commonly used to facilitate damaging post-divorce move-aways. In my co-authored column No Virtue in Virtual Visitation (Boston Globe, 7/12/02) we wrote:

"This week's 'virtual visitation' ruling by a Massachusetts court points to a new and dangerous trend in family law--judges permitting mothers to move their children hundreds or thousands of miles away from their fathers, and justifying the separation by ordering Internet video conferencing as a purported substitute for a father's time with his children.

"In her ruling, Judge E. Chouteau Merrill awarded a Boston-area woman sole custody of her three small children, and gave her permission to move the children 225 miles away. Merrill granted two weekend visits a month to Paul, the ex-husband and father of the couple's five year-old son and twin two year-old daughters. The children will be moved to Long Island, New York.

"Paul's standard weekday visitation was replaced by 'virtual visits' on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6 to 7 p.m. Merrill explained that the computer conferences are relatively cheap and will allow Paul to read to his children and help them with their homework...

"Hundreds of thousands of divorced dads like Paul are victims of 'Move Away Moms' who either do not value their children's relationships with their fathers, place their own needs above those of their children, or use geography as a method of driving fathers out of their children's lives. The misplaced use of virtual visitation as a rationalization for the troubled consciences of both move away moms and family court judges will exacerbate the problem."

Virtual visitation is supported by numerous anti-father feminists. For example, when I appeared on Univision's Aqui y Ahora last year to discuss post-divorce move-aways, Olga Vives, Action Vice President of the National Organization for Women, cited virtual visitation as an acceptable substitute for a noncustodial father's time with his children. To watch the show, click here.

When I appeared on PBS in Los Angeles discussing the same issue, feminist law professor Carol Bruch, who authored the mother's brief in the LaMusga move-away case, made a similar argument. To watch, click here.

(Aqui y Ahora featured the story of Jose Ceballos, one of my readers whose little son was moved 1,500 miles away against his will. Ceballos had the best line of the show. He said that as a father he has less rights than his family dog does because--"the dog can see my son whenever he wants--I can only see my son when I'm allowed to." I don't have the time to translate it, but for those of you who speak Spanish, check out the opening interview with a would-be move-away mom, and the trivial, lame reasons she has for wanting to move her kids 1,000 miles away from their father. She even offered the dad $50,000 cash if he allows her to move his children out of his life and the mean SOB told her he didn't want her money, he wanted his kids).

In the column we also noted that "virtual visitation opens up endless opportunities for interference by custodial parents," and since then I've heard from many noncustodial parents who tell me they've experienced the problems we discussed in the column.

My position on virtual visitation has often been misunderstood and misrepresented. For example, when I was interviewed for the article "Divorced parents visit their kids over the Internet" (Oakland Tribune & others , 5/3/04), I emphasized to the reporter that I was not opposed to virtual visitation but only to the way it is used as a tool to facilitate move-aways. My quote in the article? "'I'm opposed to virtual visitation,' said Glenn Sacks..."

The American Coalition for Fathers and Children
The American Coalition for Fathers and Children is dedicated to creating a family law system which promotes equal rights for all parties affected by divorce.  Contact the ACFC at 1-800-978-3237 or visit them on the web at www.acfc.org.

Lisa Scott Launches RealFamilyLaw.com
Shared Parenting Advocate/Family Law Attorney Lisa Scott has just launched www.RealFamilyLaw.com to expose the truth about what is happening in our family law system. Lisa, the all-time leader in appearances on His Side with Glenn Sacks, says that she was "tired of having her stuff rejected by elitist bar publications and politically-correct newspapers" and decided to start her own website. www.RealFamilyLaw.com

New Rap Song Discusses How Young Unwed Fathers Struggle to Be Part of Their Children's Lives

Young African-American fathers are routinely stereotyped as irresponsible cads who have abandoned their offspring. While it is certainly true that there are some men who do not come through for their children or who have behaved irresponsibly, it is also true that many unwed fathers fight a long, hard struggle to remain a part of their children's lives. The struggle can be particularly difficult for young African-American fathers.

A new rap song, "Baby Mama Drama" by J-Shin, powerfully captures these young men's problems. It discusses many of the challenges facing these men--false accusations of DV made out of spite, legal bills, siccing the child support enforcement agency on the father over money mom knows dad has already paid, and others. Some of the lyrics are:

"Let me tell you 'bout my life/it's baby mama drama/all we do is fight/believe me when I tell you she ain't right/every night I'm on the phone/would you leave me alone?/My baby's cryin', my baby's is sick, she's croakin'/I jump in my car and I race to the house--she's jokin'/Girl why can't you just let it go?"

and also

"I got some papers in the mail just the other day/It was in reference to a court case I had back in May/when I tell you what it is you won't believe/My Baby Mama once again been deceivin'/She lied, talkin' about I put my hands on her/plus I'm months behind on my child support/ I see my baby plus I give her money every week/so tell me why you treat me like a deadbeat?"

To listen to the song, click here.

I discussed some of these issues in my co-authored column National Fatherhood Initiative's Ad Campaign Insults African-American Fathers (Pasadena Star-News & Affiliated Papers, 6/14/04) and also on His Side with Glenn Sacks at  National Fatherhood Initiative Attacks Black Fathers (4/25/04).

Unfortunately the music video for "Baby Mama Drama" is very disappointing. I had hoped that perhaps it would be a dramatization of a father's love for his child. Or (heaven forbid) of the way mothers push fathers out of their children's lives. Instead it was the usual rap video full of scantily-clad women with no visible connection to the song's powerful lyrics. I'd like to think that J-Shin wrote the song sincerely and the record company forced that ridiculous video on him.

Swimsuit Issue Sparks Domestic Violence

When women are violent, there's always an excuse for it and it's never a big deal. In the article Swimsuit Issue Sparks Domestic Violence (Wheeling News Register, 3/4/06), Katie Wilson wrote:

"As the saying goes, there's nothing like the fury of a woman, especially when she's enraged over the latest copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.

"A city couple was arrested on misdemeanor domestic battery charges last week. Jeremy A. Robinson, 31, 116 Tomlinson Ave., and his girlfriend, Nicky N. Graham, 21, of the same address, were arraigned by Magistrate Mark Kerwood on Feb. 15. They were released on $1,500 bond each that day.

"The fight reportedly began when Robinson received the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition in the mail.

"According to the criminal complaint filed by city police Patrolman Keith McCallen, a fight was reported in the 100 block of Tomlinson Avenue just before 6 p.m. Feb. 15. On arrival, McCallen spoke with Robinson, who stated Graham had attacked him because he got the magazine in the mail.

"Graham was found upstairs in the residence, and said they originally began arguing because Robinson would not get a job.

"McCallen's report states Robinson's shirt was torn and there were scratch marks on his chest. Graham reportedly stated she did tear his shirt because his hands were around her neck. Graham also alleged Robinson pushed her against a wall.

"McCallen's report states when he asked Graham who the aggressor was, she reportedly said both of them were."

Wilson can be reached at kwilson@news-register.net.

Help, Resources for Dads
The National Fathers' Resource Center is a division of Fathers For Equal Rights, Inc. (FER), located in Dallas, Texas, with offices in both Dallas and Houston. In existence for over three decades, it has services and resources for dads nationwide and is one of the largest and most active fathers' rights organizations in the U.S. www.fathers4kids.org

The Secrets of Happily Married Men
How can a man achieve a long and happy marriage? If you've been checking out  advice columns or seeing a therapist, you may have been looking in the wrong place. Despite all the advances in brain technology, and all of that we have learned about developmental psychology--men and women are given the same advice about solving problems. But when we ask men what works for them, we hear a different story.  www.SecretsofMarriedMen.com

Progress on the Male Birth Control Pill

I know as much about biology as I do about ballet but apparently there's been more progress towards a male birth control pill. The article Slowing Sperm Down: Two studies shed light on the movement of sperm cells and how to stop them in their tracks discusses some of the newest findings and progress.

Women have long complained--with good cause--that they have had to shoulder an unequal burden in the area of contraception. In my column Do Women Really Want a Male Birth Control Pill? (Newsday, 4/11/05) I made the point that this burden also gives women control over one of the most important parts of any human being's life--reproduction. I explained that this is a control which some women will not be happy about losing.

I also noted that the pill will greatly increase men's autonomy and control over their own lives. I wrote:

"While most women are responsible and want to have children with a willing, committed partner, studies show that lack of reproductive control can be a major problem for men today. For example, the National Scruples and Lies Survey 2004 polled 5,000 women in the United Kingdom for That's Life! magazine. According to that survey, 42% of women claim they would lie about contraception in order to get pregnant, regardless of the wishes of their partners.

"Jo Checkley, the editor of That's Life!, is correct when she says 'to deliberately get pregnant when your partner doesn't want a baby is playing Russian roulette with other people's lives.'

"According to research conducted by Joyce Abma of the National Center for Health Statistics and Linda Piccinino of Cornell University, over a million American births each year result from pregnancies which men did not intend...

"...most men realize that it's difficult to remain a part of their children's lives once the relationship with the children's mother has broken down, particularly if the children were born outside of marriage. The pill will help ensure that men only have children in the context that's best for men--a stable marriage."

Online Support for Men Going Through Divorce
Don't feel isolated, frightened, confused or alone when going through your divorce.  Get the help and support you need without leaving your home at the Ottawa Divorce Forums.  www.OttawaDivorce.com/forum/

BE THE FIRST TO KNOW
The Levine Breaking News E-LERT is Hollywood's premier Breaking News e-zine sent every day  to approximately 100,000 "influencers." Referred to as "part CNN-part Variety-part Drudge Report"--to sign up, send an email to MLasst@LCOonline.com.

Who's Paying for Your Next Date?

Rachel Kramer Bussel has some interesting (and objectionable) ruminations on the all-important question of who should pay for dates in her column Who's Paying for Your Next Date? Deciphering the tricky triangle of cash, sex, and romance (Village Voice, 2/24/06). Bussel writes:

"Most women claim the guy should pay, regardless of who asked whom out or who makes more money. Like it or not, the tradition's a stubborn holdover from past eras when women couldn't afford to go halfsies. Lauren Henderson, author of Jane Austen's Guide to Dating, believes paying is a sign of respect. 'Symbols are important, and a man who can't buy a woman dinner on their first date is a man who will be emotionally deficient at making a woman feel cared about'...

"Nearly every dating or etiquette guide weighs in on the topic, and almost all stick to the same story. Shelly Branch and Sue Callaway, authors of What Would Jackie Do?, advise that the former first lady would never pick up a tab until she'd established her date as a serious prospect, as she did with JFK. As unequal as this system seems, it makes sense; it's almost impossible to gauge a guy's personality within the span of one date. This simple test weeds out the cheapskates...

"Where does sex come into play? Guys: If you're looking to get laid, getting the check is the bare minimum. This doesn't guarantee your way into her bed, certainly--girls don't want to feel like you're buying their affection."

"It's crass to have to think about money when you're trying to connect with the potential love of your life, and there's potential for miscommunication and mistrust. I wish this topic were less volatile and divisive. But until I win the lottery or meet my soul mate, it's going to be a factor."

As I've noted before in print and on the radio, I don't agree with the above views. In my column Should Men Still be Expected to Pay for Dates? (St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 2/14/02) I identified (and debunked) six principal justifications for expecting men to pay. These are:

"Women have to spend more on clothes, shoes, perfume, etc., so it's only fair that men pay"; "Men make more money than women do for the same job"; "I'm old-fashioned. I expect the man to pay because it's chivalrous"; "Whoever asks for the date should pay"; "If men expect to get something, they should expect to pay for it"; and "It's just easier this way."

I concluded:

"The obligation of a man to pay can wound a budding relationship by placing money and one-sided expectations where love and honesty should be. In addition, its innate unfairness hinders the uneasy rapprochement men and women are currently negotiating after three decades of gender conflict. In the long run, abolishing this outmoded social convention will benefit both men and women. And what's fair is fair."

Not everyone agrees, of course. I was once discussing this issue with nationally syndicated radio host George Noory at a broadcast by remote from a mall. A group of women came by and when they heard me pontificating on why men shouldn't have to pay for dates, several of them raised their hands high and gave me the thumbs down sign...

We had a debate on this topic on His Side with Glenn Sacks around Valentine's Day last year--to listen, see Female Dating Expert: 'I've Never Paid for a Date and I Never Will' (2/13/05). The debate between relationship expert Athena Navarro, the LA Love Coach, and Marc Rudov, author of The Man's No-Nonsense Guide to Women, became heated. Witness this exchange:

Athena Navarro: "[women] would consider [Rudov] a feminine wimp and would be disgusted by the idea of being on date with him."

Marc Rudov: "any man who goes out with a woman who says 'I've never paid for a date and I never will'--that's a wimp."

Athena Navarro: "Well, I only date smart, successful, handsome men...."

Kids Manipulating Their Parents

One of my daughter's favorite shows is Little House on the Prairie--I have the DVDs and she and I often watch it together. The other night they had an episode which dealt with a Typhus plague. When a man's little boy died the father couldn't accept it and took the boy out into a field and leaned up against a tree with his boy in his arms, pretending the boy was just asleep. When Charles Ingalls (Michael Landon) came to check up on them, the father told Charles that it was wrong for a child to be locked up in school on such a beautiful day and asked him to tell the schoolteacher that his boy wasn't coming to school that day.

I actually remembered that scene from watching the show as a child 30 years ago. At the time I thought the father's actions were inexplicable. Now I understand completely and, in all honesty, I would probably snap the same way were I ever in that situation.

My wife and I were so disturbed by it that we started getting very worried about our son, who was at a  boy scout meeting. When he got dropped off we both rushed to hug him and wouldn't let him go. He thought we were both nuts but after we explained he understood. Then he said "since you're so glad to see me, could you make an exception and let me play with my PlayStation tonight?"

He had lost his PlayStation privileges over a bad grade but immediately saw opportunity when it knocked. Clever boy. It didn't work, though--as part of my role as the ever vigilant person put on earth for the sole purpose of making sure that my son never has any fun, I told him he couldn't.

Christian Author Takes a Stand for Men
Christian writer Paul Coughlin takes aim at what he calls a "cultural prejudice that shames men for being men in No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice--Instead of Good--Hurts Men, Women, and Children. The forward was written by Dr. Laura. www.nomorechristianniceguy.com.

How Does Sex Discrimination Affect Men and Boys?
The National Coalition of Free Men is a non-profit educational & civil rights organization that looks at the ways sex discrimination affects men and boys. NCFM helps provide men a unified voice on important political and social issues. www.NCFM.org

Help for Boston Dads
Boston family law attorney Nick Palermo is a shared custody advocate who believes that divorced dads are parents, not visitors. The Law Offices of Nicholas Palermo is a dedicated and committed trial law firm which has worked to make shared custody for all fit parents the law of the land.
LAW OFFICES OF NICHOLAS PALERMO

Officials Say Woman Made Up Gang Rape Story, Gets Slap on the Wrist

According to the Florida TV report Officials: Woman's Gang Rape Story Is Bogus:

"The Orange County Sheriff's Office just announced that it has arrested the woman who claimed she was raped by several men who work at Walt Disney World. They say the woman made up the story, and that the sex was consensual....

"On Feb. 26, police responded to a report of an alleged sexual battery involving multiple suspects...Orange County Sex Crimes Investigator Detective Phillip Graves has determined that Sunde's account of the incident was not factual and that the sexual encounters were, in fact, consensual. The suspects in the alleged attacks were cooperative with the investigation from its onset to the point of providing a video tape of the incident, which helped corroborate their account of the incident."

Now the woman who tried to put these men in prison for years if not decades is facing a charge of.......making a false police report.  What a joke. I prefer the ancient Chinese method of dealing with false claims--if you made a false claim against someone, the law gives you the penalty that they would have received had they been found guilty.

As I've mentioned before, false rape accusations are a big problem. I discussed the issue at length in my co-authored column Research Shows False Accusations of Rape Common (Los Angeles Daily Journal, San Francisco Daily Journal, 9/15/04, World Net Daily, 9/18/04) and in my E-Newsletter (click here and here). We've also covered it on His Side with Glenn Sacks--see Criminalizing 'Reckless Sex'--Safeguard for Women or  New Way to Herd Men Into Jail? (3/6/05) and Kobe Bryant, Rape Shield Laws, and the False Accusations Problem (3/21/04).

Incidentally, my column on false rape accusations has become a favorite for Sacks bashers on several feminist websites. It's quite a phenomenon--sometimes there are 50 or 100 comments criticizing my column without anyone actually stopping to read the column they're criticizing.

Glenn Receives 'Order of Merit' from Dads/Moms of Michigan

Dads of Michigan and Moms of Michigan have awarded me the "Order of Merit" for 2005 for "reflecting the time-tested principles and ideals committed to ensuring preservation of family values and that both parents are involved in their children's lives." The groups are the Michigan affiliates of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children and they both do good work and fight the good fight.

4TRUTH IDENTITY: The Leader in Fast, Accurate DNA Tests
If you're looking for a paternity test,  Paternity Fraud crusader Carnell Smith's 4TRUTH IDENTITY offers guaranteed, 100% accurate identification services in virtually every U.S. state and in several countries. Call (404) 289-3321or click here.

The Rantings of a Single Male: Losing Patience with Feminism, Political Correctness... and Basically Everything describes the rise of feminism from the mid '70s to the present, through Ellis' personal experiences and is loaded with outrageous stories.

Legal Help for Fathers
If you live in Los Angeles, Riverside or Orange counties and you're facing a divorce, separation, or a child custody issue, the law firm of Oddenino & Gaule can help.

Child Abductor Demands That Military Dad Post $100,000 to See His Own Son

Out of the endless injustices our family law system has visited upon children and the fathers they love and need, few match the story of Gary S. and his son. In my column The Betrayal of the Military Father (Los Angeles Daily News, 5/4/03) I wrote:

"When Gary, a San Diego-based US Navy SEAL, was deployed in Afghanistan in the wake of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, he never dreamed that his service to his country would cost him his little son. Gary's son was not taken from him by a terrorist or a kidnapper. This 17-year Navy veteran with an unblemished military and civilian record was effectively stripped of his right to be a father by a California court.

"Gary's story is not an unusual one. Under the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act, if a parent takes a child to a new state, that new state becomes the child's presumptive residence after six months. Because a normal military deployment is six months or more, if an unhappily married military spouse moves to another state while the other spouse is deployed, by the time the deployed spouse returns the child's residence has already been switched. Since courts lean heavily in favor of a child's primary caregiver when determining custody, the spouse who moved the child is virtually certain to gain custody through the divorce proceedings in that new state.

"Because of the strict restrictions on travel by active military personnel, the cost of legal representation, and the financial hardships created by child support and spousal support obligations, it is very difficult for returning service personnel to fight for their parental rights in another state. Many struggle even to see their children, much less remain a meaningful part of their lives, and the bond between the children and their noncustodial parent is often broken for years, if not permanently.

"Gary has not been able to see his son, who now lives abroad, in nearly nine months. When he calls he can sometimes hear the three year-old ask 'when daddy come?' and 'where's daddy?' in the background but he is often prevented from speaking with him...

"Gary has lost nearly $100,000 so far fighting for his son and may soon be forced to declare bankruptcy, which in turn will destroy the top secret security clearance he needs for his job. Worse yet is the emotional devastation wrought by his separation from his son and the knowledge that he may never see him again. He says:

"'My love for my son cannot simply be brushed aside as the courts seem to believe it can. I can remember holding my little son's hand like it was yesterday. I can remember his cry. I hear it every time I hear another child crying.'

"'Sometimes I wonder what I risked my life [in Afghanistan] for. I went to fight for freedom but what freedom and what rights mean anything if a man doesn't have the right to be a father to his own child?'

Gary's former wife abducted his son to Israel while Gary was in Afghanistan in November of 2001. Last year a California court admitted that it erred in allowing this injustice to occur and in permitting the jurisdiction for the case to be moved to Israel. In the three years since, Gary has waged a long, hard battle to be allowed to visit his son and have his son visit him in the US.

Gary has repeatedly received excellent reviews from all relevant evaluators, psychologists, and social workers. His ex-wife's father is very wealthy and has used his fortune to finance his daughter's attempts to eliminate Gary from his son's life. Gary has had to finance everything--including trips to Israel at $5,000 each--out of his Navy SEAL salary.

Last May an Israeli judge agreed that Gary's son should visit him in the US for Christmas. The ex-wife protested and demanded a new psychological evaluation, which the judge granted. The evaluation came back firmly on Gary's side. Those familiar with our family court system already know what I'm about to write--the mom didn't allow the visit anyway.

Now Gary is fighting to have his son spend two weeks with him over this coming summer. The ex-wife is demanding that Gary put up $100,000 bond for the visit, knowing that Gary has nothing close to that amount of money. (One of the reasons he doesn't is that for many years he paid $2,150 a month in "child support" to his ex-wife to help finance her abduction of his son). In a classic case of psychological projection, the woman who abducted the child wants Gary to post the money so--guess what--Gary won't keep the boy in the U.S.

Mom is also demanding that she be allowed to come to the US to be with her son while the boy is visiting his father (so she can interfere and alienate) and (of course) is demanding that Gary pay for it. Gary is having to fight all of this out on limited funds in Israeli courts in a language (Hebrew) he doesn't speak.

Gary lost his son while he was risking his life to help wipe out Al Qaeda, the enemy of both the U.S. and Israel. Yet neither the US nor Israel has lifted a finger to help reunite Gary with the son who loves him and needs him. Thanks, soldier...

One Positive Thing

One positive thing has come out of this tragedy--after I wrote about Gary in the Los Angeles Daily News, California State Senator Bill Morrow was so outraged by my column that he began working with Sacramento lobbyist Mike Robinson and the California Alliance for Families and Children to help military dads. The result was SB 1082. The bill helps military dads, though the original language to help abduction cases like Gary's did not make it through. Schwarzenegger signed the bill in August, and its success helped give impetus to a Michigan bill to help military parents with their custody issues.

Learn More about Gary's Case

Gary has appeared on His Side with Glenn Sacks twice--Two Years into Iraq War, Little Has Been Done to Protect the Rights of Military Fathers (3/13/05) and A Hero's Service Costs Him His Right to be a Father (4/6/03). To read "Sean's Song," the Navy lullaby Gary wrote and used to sing to his little son, click here. If you'd like to write to Gary, click here.

Hero Fathers

Last Father's Day I introduced the term "hero father" to refer to fathers like Gary in my co-authored column Not the Era of the Deadbeat Dad but the Era of the Hero Father (Ft. Worth Star-Telegram, 6/19/05). We wrote:

"Fatherhood has changed dramatically in the era of divorce and out of wedlock births, and much attention has been paid to two unfortunate products of this era--the absent father and the deadbeat dad. However, there is another type of father this era has produced, one which has received very little attention--the hero father.

"According to the Children's Rights Council, a Washington-based advocacy group, more than five million American children each year have their access to their noncustodial parents interfered with or blocked by custodial parents. Behind that statistic are legions of heroic divorced or separated fathers who fight a long, hard but generally unrecognized battle to remain a meaningful part of the lives of the children who love them and need them...

"Over the past several decades the love and devotion of millions of fathers has been tested in ways few in previous generations experienced. This Father's Day, let's honor the hero father."

Other Hero Fathers I've discussed include: David Chick, Gary LaMusga, Jolly Stansby, Ron Davis, Edgar P., John Brumbaugh, and Benoit Leroux. I also discussed the Hero Father last year on Father's Day on His Side with Glenn Sacks--to listen, click here.

A Father's Race to Reach the Hospital Where His Daughter Lay Dying

Part of our movement's problem is that some people don't seem to take fathers' love for their children very seriously. This is a result of several factors, including: the small minority of fathers who really don't care about their children; the claims of vindictive mothers who try to push fathers out of their children's lives; societal disregard for men's sentiments on such issues; and misguided feminists' misportrayals of fathers as uncaring and irresponsible.

I recently read a telling commentary on this issue--a father's heart-wrenching account of the hours after his daughter was fatally injured in an auto accident. It was written by Jim Bouton, a star pitcher for the New York Yankees during the 1960s who wrote the controversial mega-best seller Ball Four. I've always admired Bouton, and I interviewed him for a business magazine I was working for when I was in my early 20s.

Ball Four was written in 1969 but every decade Bouton has added a new epilogue--Ball Five, Ball Six and then, in 1999, Ball Four: The Final Pitch. Bouton's 31 year-old daughter Laurie was killed in a car crash in 1997--here is Bouton's account of his desperate attempt to reach the hospital where his daughter laid dying. Good luck trying to read it without a tear welling up in your eye.

My father always said the worst part of seeing your kids grow up was the thought of them driving cars around God knows where. Bouton's story is every parent's worst nightmare, and it reminded me of something my father told me when I was 18 and had gone away for my freshman year of college. My mother and father received a call at 3 in the morning telling them that my uncle died. My father later told me "When the phone rang at that hour and I found out your uncle had died I was happy--I thought it was you."

DadsDivorce.com informs fathers about their rights during divorce litigation while providing them with concrete, practical resources to get results in the courtroom. DadsDivorce.com is a popular meeting place for fathers facing divorce.

Congressional Candidate Takes Strong Stand for Noncustodial Parents' Rights
In 2004 Libertarian presidential candidate Michael Badnarik had a strong noncustodial parents' rights platform.  Badnarik is clearly aware of and sensitive to the basic problems fathers today face, particularly the sole custody norm and the denigration of noncustodial parents to "second class parent" status. Badnarik is running for Congress in 2006--to learn more, go to www.badnarik.org.

The Dakapa Handbook
Tom Whelan's The Dakapa Handbook is the story of how a father's love for his children enables him to create an adventure that will forever bond them together. Order the book here. 

Sackson Horde Bombards Sacks-bashing Salon Blogger

Last week I mentioned midway through the enewsletter that prominent left-wing Salon blogger World O'Crap criticized my co-authored column Letterman Case Shows Problems with Restraining Orders (Albuquerque Tribune, 1/17/06), saying that I "can't actually write, although he tries really hard" and that I "hate women."

My column had made the point that the Letterman case "demonstrates a much larger though rarely discussed problem--it is far too easy to get a restraining order based on a false allegation...Many if not most domestic violence restraining orders are simply tactical maneuvers designed to gain advantage in high stakes family law proceedings."

Apparently some of my readers didn't take too kindly to World O'Crap's Sacks bashing. Dripping with sarcasm, World O'Crap writes:

"It seems that I wronged a great American a few days ago when I poked fun at Glenn Sacks...[I've been] flooded with emails telling me...that I am a jerk for having wronged Glenn Sacks, who is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most infallible human being they've ever known in their lives."

What's interesting is that there was all this furor and I had no idea that anybody had even written to this blogger until I stumbled upon the blog several days later. I guess the Horde has my back--thanks...

To write to World O'Crap, email slzoll@aol.com or click here.

World O'Crap, Gender Politics and Partisan Politics

The discussion on World O'Crap is an interesting illustration of the way gender politics overlaps with partisan politics. I've long criticized the Democrats for needlessly alienating the male vote and driving men out of the party. In my column Michael Moore, You Used to Be My Hero (Fredericksburg Free Lance-Star, 2/8/04) I discussed my original admiration for Moore:

"Back in the days of your pro-worker documentary Roger & Me (1989), I was working construction at a power plant in the South and you were the one public figure who seemed to speak for working men. The one who questioned the right of a business to take what it wants from a community and then pull out in search of cheaper labor, leaving a trail of unemployment and broken lives behind. The one who opposed union busting and corporate plunder.

"Spending every day hanging by my hook belt off the side of a rebar skeleton 50 feet up in the air, my life seemed to be out of a Michael Moore documentary..."

After listening to years of Moore's relentless man-bashing (which I detail in the article) I came to the following conclusion:

"More importantly, is it any wonder that men, including working class men, spurn the political party you shill for? According to a recently released ABC/Washington Post poll, white men (pardon me, Michael, stupid white men) preferred Bush over an unnamed Democrat in 2004 by a staggering 33 points.

"...the biggest reason men have turned away from your party is simple--why should men support a party which doesn't support them? Why go to a party nobody invited you to? Why go where you're clearly not welcome?

"Michael, it saddens me that the beleaguered men at that power plant have lost a valuable friend and gained one more enemy. It saddens me to watch you and your party marginalize yourselves and slowly commit political suicide by spitting on those who once admired and supported you. And when your party gets trounced among male voters in 2004, I know what explanation you'll give. In fact, you've already written it in Stupid White Men: 'men are just not as smart as women.'"

My Daughter's Schoolyard Story

When I picked up my second grade daughter from school the other day she announced she was "crying a lot today." This is unusual, since my daughter is an extremely happy, energetic child. I asked her what happened and she said:

"I had a fight with my friend Daniela. She wanted my place in line and started screaming at me over and over. I cried about it during recess and I was crying about it at lunch, too. Then Daniela came over and apologized. She said she has been very upset lately. She says her parents got divorced, she doesn't get to see her dad much anymore and she misses her mom because she has to work. She says she's very sad."

No comment.

Concerned about Financial Issues in Your Divorce?
If you're concerned about financial issues in your divorce, contact Jim DiGabriele of DiGabriele, McNulty & Co by email here or at 973-243-2600. 

Female-to-English Dictionary
Dr. Shoveen goes behind the words that women use to reveal their hidden meanings and thought processes.

Impact of Fathers on Teenage Girls' Sexual Activity: Texas Sociologist,  Chris Rock Weigh In

Brad Wilcox of the Institute for American Values posted the entry Dads' Love Equals Girls Virginity on the Family Scholars Blog. Wilcox writes:

"Mark Regnerus, a sociologist at the University of Texas, finds that teenage girls who have high-quality relationships with their fathers are significantly more likely to remain virgins, in an article published this month in the Journal of Family Issues. Teenage boys' sexual activity, by contrast, was not affected by the quality of the relationship with their father. Mother-child relationships did not affect either boys' or girls' sexual activity. I guess those father-daughter dances really do pay off.

"His sample is teenagers with both their biological parents in the home. I'd hazard a guess that the results would have been even stronger had he included children in stepfamilies and single-parent families...

"Bottom line: Dads appear to matter more than mothers in promoting the virginity of teenage girls."

It reminds me of a Chris Rock routine. He's pushing his daughter in the baby stroller and realizes that "I'm the man in her life...everything that happens between her and men the rest of her life is going to be colored by what happens between us." To listen, click here (warning--explicit language).

Before We All Go Jumping Into Bed Together...

This story--Roseland Council president runs for Legislature--has been getting a lot of play on men's and fathers' websites and elists, and many are applauding. According to the article:

"Town Council president Dorothy Snyder doesn't like a bill that would have forced out officeholders who are behind in child support - including her husband - so she is running against the state lawmaker who proposed it.

"State Rep. Ryan Dvorak's bill would have required officeholders who are more than $15,000 in arrears to give up their offices. The Democrat said he still supports the measure, which was never given a committee hearing in the General Assembly.

"He said the idea was inspired by David Snyder - Dorothy Snyder's husband and a Roseland councilman - who in November owed more than $90,000 in child support, his ex-wife, Julianne Mayfield, told the South Bend Tribune...

"Dorothy Snyder has filed her candidacy for the Democratic nomination in Dvorak's northern Indiana District 8...She said she wants to run because she is troubled over treatment of noncustodial parents in Indiana.

"'My concern is about the civil rights of noncustodial parents and the destructive effect of demonizing any group of people which is not good for children of divorce, and it is not good for families in Indiana,' she said."

I love seeing a candidate run for noncustodial parents' rights. However, the men's and fathers' websites and elists promoting Dorothy Snyder have ignored the fact that her  husband owes $90,000 in back child support. I beg to differ--I think it is appropriate to ask why the father is so far behind.

It would be wrong to assume--as most people, including feminists and chivalrous males will do--that David Snyder is a deadbeat who abandoned his kids. This is unfair--as I've written on numerous occasions, many so-called "deadbeat" parents are instead simply dead broke. In my co-authored column Virginia Declares War on Deadbroke Dads (Norfolk Virginian-Pilot, 8/30/05), I wrote:

"A laborer. A cashier. A carnival hired hand. A construction worker. All with children. Are they the featured men and women in a newspaper article about hard times in the state of Virginia? The hopefuls for a local job training program? The applicants for emergency relief? No--they are the 'deadbeat parents' who top the list of Virginia's 'Most Wanted' for falling behind on child support. These three men and one woman together somehow owe well over a quarter of a million dollars in back child support.

"Virginia's Division of Child Support Enforcement is stepping up its campaign against low income non-custodial parents like these by publishing newspaper ads with their photos and mug-shot-like listings of their height, weight, home city, and amount owed. Officials have justified these humiliating tactics by their contention that Virginia's unpaid child support currently totals $2.1 billion. This claim is extremely misleading.

"Federal Office of Child Support Enforcement data shows that two-thirds of those who owe child support nationwide earned less than $10,000 in the previous year. According to the largest federally funded study of divorced fathers ever conducted, unemployment, not willful neglect, is the largest cause of failure to pay child support...

"The driving force behind child support arrearages is not bad parents, but instead rigid child support systems which are mulishly impervious to the economic realities noncustodial parents face, such as layoffs, wage cuts, and work-related injuries. According to the Urban Institute, less than one in 20 non-custodial parents who suffer substantial income drops are able to get courts to reduce their child support payments. In such cases, the amounts owed mount quickly, as do interest and penalties.

"Compounding the problem is the fact that the federal Bradley amendment bars judges from retroactively forgiving child support arrearages, even when they determine that the arrearage occurred through no fault of the obligor...

"The top 'wanted parents' lists put out by most states are almost exclusively comprised of poor and working class men who do low wage and often seasonal work, and who owe fantastic sums of money which they could never hope to pay off. A person with a college degree--not to mention an accountant, lawyer, businessman or banker--is a rare find on these lists. The pot of child support gold which Virginia officials profess they'll find if they get tough on deadbeats simply does not exist."

However, at the same time, it would also be wrong to assume that David Snyder is simply a victim of the system. There are fathers who behave irresponsibly towards their children, and he might be one of them. I'd like a little more information before we all go jumping into bed together.

Are You Looking to Earn Money Working from Home?
Many people are earning good incomes working from the comfort of their own homes, while also being there for those special moments with their children.

Militant Grandmas Fight for Shared Parenting
Three Sides to Every Story is an organization set up by militant grandma Bessie Hudgins to help fathers stay in their children's lives after divorce.

Did Andrea Yates Kill Her Kids Because Russell Yates Wouldn't Allow Her to Put Them in Day Care?

According to the Associated Press:

"Andrea Yates once advised a fellow inmate that she could escape prosecution by pretending to be mentally ill and persuading a psychiatrist she suffered from serious disorders, according to court documents filed Thursday by prosecutors.

"Felicia Doe, who spent four days in a jail block with Yates in 2002, told prosecutors last year that Yates instructed her not to eat, not to speak properly and not to be friendly or open in front of people if she wanted to 'beat her case.'

"Yates, who is awaiting a new trial in the drowning of her young children, allegedly told Doe that if she could get the jail psychiatrist on her side, they could testify to her mental health, and they couldn't prosecute her if she was sick, according to the documents, which describe interviews with witnesses who could be called during Yates' trial...

"Doe, who could not be reached for comment, also told prosecutors that Yates disclosed details of the slayings, explaining that she locked a door so her oldest son, 7-year-old Noah, could not escape the house and describing him as crying so hard he vomited.

"'She hit his head against the bathtub several times in an effort to incapacitate him,' Doe told prosecutors.

"Another inmate, Lynnette Licantino, told prosecutors Yates said her children 'were just too much' and that her husband at the time, Russell Yates, would not let her put them in day care."

The defense disputes Roe's allegations. I don't know what to make of them--I've always been skeptical of the testimony of cellmates or jailhouse informants, and I'm not sure if this testimony is any better.

For me, the saddest part of this case was this: while a couple of the boys were being drowned, they continued to try to fight their way to the surface of the bathtub and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The little boys' only understanding of why their mother could do something like this to them was that they had done something wrong. In their last living moments they struggled to apologize.

In the aftermath of the decision Russell Yates was widely blamed for the murders. I appeared on numerous radio shows in Texas at the time defending Russell and often felt afterwards as if I were defending a murderer instead of a guy who's only "crime" was having a mentally-disturbed wife and not knowing what to do about it. The strange religious beliefs which both Russell and Andrea shared also contributed to their problems.

At the time I wrote the only opinion column to appear in a major US publication which defended Yates--In Defense of a Flawed but Decent Russell Yates (Houston Chronicle, 3/11/02). I was drawn to the Yates case through personal experience. I've never discussed this publicly, but many years ago I lived with a mentally ill woman to whom I was engaged to be married. I know a little about the confusion, denial, frustration and heartache that Russell Yates must have experienced. It's a world of shadows, where nothing works and everything you do is wrong. My experience was a trauma, his was worse than any nightmare. In the column I wrote:

""It's a shame that there's no law that can give Russell Yates his due,' writes syndicated columnist Debra Saunders. 'Russell Yates ought to be locked up instead of his wife,' says writer Cindy Hasz. Creators Syndicate's Froma Harrop sneers that he probably 'misses the obedient drudge who bore and raised his five children more than the five children.' Harsh words for Russell Yates have come from many others, particularly former O. J. Simpson prosecutor Marcia Clark.

"What these and others forget is that it's hard to make the right decision when you don't have a lot of options. According to Andrea Yates' brother, Andrew Kennedy, Russell Yates 'did his best....He trusted the doctors and he did everything they said to do. He made sure she took her medication.'

"Psychiatrist Mohammed Saeed took Yates off the drug Haldol on June 4. Russell Yates, worried about his wife, brought her back to Dr. Saeed on June 18. The doctor said he saw no sign of psychosis and sent her home.

"Two days later, she killed their five children.

"Instead of using 20-20 hindsight, let's look at the situation as it must have appeared to Russell Yates before June 20. Mental illness is difficult for untrained people to cope with and to comprehend. Dr. Saeed had indicated that he believed that Andrea Yates was getting better, and Andrea herself has testified that she told nobody, not even her husband, about the 'voices in her head.' While Russell surely had doubts about leaving the kids with her, he didn't have a lot of choices. He couldn't quit his job to care for the kids--somebody had to put food on the table. Ending the home-schooling, a violation of both of their beliefs, might have been a severe blow to his fragile wife's self-esteem, perhaps pushing her over the edge.

"Instead, Russell made the one move he needed to make--he had his mother come in to watch the kids every day. He generally left for work at 9 am and his mother arrived at 10 am, and he thought he had the situation under control...

"He also attributed much of his wife's distress to the death of her father in March of last year. And he no doubt was in some denial, as people who are trapped in difficult situations often are. As he walked out the door to go to work on June 20, should he really have expected that his wife was waiting for him to leave so she could kill their children?"