In this world of
both increasingly dire straits for
fathers and rapidly burgeoning numbers
of promale and profather books, Serge
Prengel has done what might have seemed
impossible: written a truly indispensable
and utterly unique book on the subject
of fatherhood and the divorce process.
He has masterfully bridged the political
and personal, even spiritual sides
of the thorn-laden and mine-strewn
trails of tears which he and countless
other divorced men have been forced
to tread.
Prengel has a talent
which regrettably is vanishingly rare
these days, of being able to empathize
with multiple points of view, despite
their sometimes being in direct conflict.
His own path as a divorced dad led
him to open his heart and his brain
wide enough in both compassion and
spiritual understanding to enable
him to pass by the elephant-sized
troubles he confronted without their
crushing him. And he has generously
chosen to share the bounty of his
learning with us so that we may benefit
from his learning.
The author enjoys
an almost breathtaking facility at
deftly sketching the key points of
a player's psyche in just a few words.
"Even many, many months into
the divorce proceedings, John has
kept hoping: It won't happen to me."
"A child needs certainties, simple
answers, a sense that there is fairness
and logic in the world, in order to
feel reasonably safe." "Just
imagine for a moment you're the judge.
You have in front of you two bickering
people... You have to make a decision,
choose one or the other."
The drama which the
author lays out for us and plays out
for us is one which each month is
repeated countless thousands of times
around the country and around the
world. Prengel ices the problem in
a few simple, deadly words, asking,
"how can [his alter ego John]
find a way to be an equal parent within
a system that only allows a one-up/one-down
outcome to a custody dispute?"
A few sentences later, the author
chillingly concludes, "The system
has no room for what he wants."
Why, Prengel asks,
is a married man presumed an equal
partner in budgeting child-raising
expenses, but a divorced man has to
make substantial pre-set payments
to his ex-wife without any say in
how the money is used? Why is it,
as the author aptly summarizes the
divorced father's predicament, that
you are a troublemaker and controlling
if you try to retain some influence
over your child's day-to-day life,
and you're a deadbeat if you want
to find a way to equitably share responsibilities
and expenses with your ex-wife? How
can divorce law be geared to fairness
when winner takes all, humiliates
the loser, and does it all in the
name of the child's best interests?
Prengel makes pithy suggestions about
the change that needs to happen--a
presumption of shared parenting, not
just shared custody.
With the typical
visitation schedule, Prengel wryly
notes in another brilliant crystallization,
a man becomes (if he is lucky) a sort
of uncle to his son. Later, he aptly
compares modern divorce with the medieval
trial by ordeal, in which only a miracle
could save the accused's life and
prove him innocent.
But the story does
not end here. Prengel continues to
trace the all-too-frequent descent
into misery that follows divorce for
men with children. And then, he offers
the conclusions to which he eventually
came after years of torture and misery.
No completely satisfactory resolution
is possible, of course, but acceptance
is necessary, and it is very helpful
to cultivate a Zen-like ability to
continue on and retain hope after
all hope seems lost.
Not that this is
easy. Or fair. Prengel is no New Age
polyanna, telling divorced fathers
that if they go to enough workshops
or retrain their thinking adequately,
all will be well. He is simply offering
prescriptions for survival and for
salvaging shreds of happiness from
a dire situation.
Many of his statements
have an ability to resonate on multiple
levels, on the individual level in
response to the specific post-divorce
situation, politically as directions
for change, and as general prescriptions
as to how we all may improve our lives
whatever our marital state may be.
"There is a lot to be gained
for men in leaving the adversarial
game." Constantly thinking of
all the players at once, Prengel astutely
explains in separate sections why
this change would be good for men,
for children, and for women. (He does
miss several other ways it would help
women--by changing perceptions of
women, by encouraging women to marry,
and because long-term, men's welfare
and women's welfare are inextricably
interconnected.)
Prengel's writing
and thinking is wonderful to behold.
He makes numerous deft points that
seem obvious and yet integrate different
disciplines, connecting the large
scale and the small scale in a way
that is all too rare: Even in war,
there are limits that cannot be crossed
known as "war crimes," so
why do we instead rely on the law
of the jungle for conflict resolution
in divorce? Two pages later, he brilliantly
shows the perfect applicability to
adversarial divorce of a chart developed
to describe the differences between
a healthy relationship (the column
entitled "equality") and
"one in which the woman is abused"
(the column entitled "power and
control").
Despite his own story
and obvious personal pain, Prengel's
tone throughout this book is admirably
judicious and balanced. The second
half focuses on the transformations
men must undergo if they are to survive
what often becomes the hellish loss
of their partner, children, finances,
house, and self-respect--often all
in close succession. Prengel succinctly
lays out the conflicting emotions,
and reminds us that "in addition
to fighting with your ex and with
the legal system, you're also fighting
a battle within yourself." Ultimately,
the author helps us realize, this
is the most important fight of all.
And it's the only one we can count
on winning, but only if we are open
to giving up everything we thought
we would have forever. A key moment
in John's path comes when he lets
it all go. "John's heart opens
up when he sees how much he's willing
to give his child, without anything
in return."
Prengel also addresses
shame and the shadow, issues not usually
considered in books also bearing significant
political content. He deftly finds
a way around a central paradox: he
is giving advice in this book, from
the outside, suggesting that men can
only find the inner truth they need
to fight these battles by going inside.
"I don't really know what YOU
should be doing." And we get
practical suggestions: Relax the pressure
you put on yourself to do the right
thing. When you are with your child,
ask open-ended questions and reveal
your thought process to the child.
Don't project your anger onto your
child, and always speak positively
of your ex. Let go of what is holding
you back from a fulfilling life by
acknowledging the hurt this process
has caused your child. Unusually for
a men's movement book, Prengel sagely
guides us away from a focus on our
own pain.
Anyone who can take
this book for what it offers, even
if aspects of it don't fully speak
to them, is bound to reap a rich harvest.
While it may occasionally veer toward
sound-bite and appear to lack deep
analysis, this is actually probably
one of the most deceptively complex
and valuable books ever written for
men. Even the book's physical characteristics
are lovely, down to the intimate yet
universal cover picture of father
and son holding hands. "The journey
starts when we begin to notice the
sacred where it is."
J. Steven Svoboda is a performance
artist, poet, and a human rights lawyer
who is Executive Director of Attorneys
for the Rights of the Child, which
he founded in 1997. |
