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Shared
Parenting Update Plus
New Column, Appearances |
|
March
14, 2006 |
|
NY
Assembly Bombarded over
Shared Parenting Bill--Write
Your Letter Now!
As I told you last week,
New York's Shared Parenting
Bill has reached a critical
point and we want to help
give the bill a strong push
forward. Over 1,500 of you
used our form last week
to write the members of
the Assembly's Children
& Families Committee
in support of A330.
According
to the
Coalition of Fathers and
Families New York, who
are sponsoring the bill,
your efforts along with
theirs in New York have
had a big effect on the
committee members. I
urge you to write the committee
members with your support
for this bill by clicking
here.
As I
mentioned last week, New
York is a battleground state
for shared parenting and
fatherhood. Attorneys' groups,
such as the Legal Project
and the Women's Bar Association
of New York, and feminists,
including the New |
|
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|
York Chapter of the National
Organization for Women,
are fighting this bill.
These special interests
have successfully blocked
shared parenting efforts
in New York for over 25
years.
To learn
more about the bill, click
here.
To support
the bill, click
here.
A
Message from FaFNY About
the Shared Parenting Bill
Debbie
Fellows is one of the principal
activists in the
Coalition of Fathers and
Families New York, the
New York affiliate of the
American Coalition for Fathers
& Children. Debbie,
a former NOW activist, wrote
the letter below to pass
on to my readers:
"For
years we have been fighting
an unfair war. Some battles
won, most are lost. A330
is a battle but not the
war.
"This
past week we launched, with
support from people like
Glenn Sacks, the campaign
in support of the bill.
The Assembly has received
over 2,000 letters in the
last week in support of
shared parenting. Their
response to us shows that
they have been listening.
"On
March 28 the Children and
Families Committee will
put A330 up for a
vote. The Coalition of Fathers
and Families of New York
has been at the capitol
in Albany daily, working
in support of the shared
parenting bill. In
the last year we have been
on several television shows
and radio broadcasts, and
have appeared in newspapers
many times.
"On
Sunday we were on the radio
and were beat against the
wall on this subject. The
Legal Project and the Women's
Bar Association of New York
came on after us and just
tore shared parenting apart.
Their misstatements included:
'70% of all men win custody
in contested divorces';
'shared parenting is not
in the best interest of
the child'; 'children suffer
being shifted between homes';
'what about domestic violence?';
and '97% of custody is giving
to the mothers on consent
of the fathers in stipulated
agreements.'
"Regarding
the stipulated agreements,
someone called in and stated
that the fathers' stipulations
to give up custody parallel
the 'consent' Sophie gave
in the movie, Sophie's
Choice. Good analogy.
"Our
opposition knows this bill
is coming up for a vote
and they're ready. We have
been trying to get shared
parenting passed for many
years. At this point we
certainly aren't going to
get everything we want.
We have to work within the
realm of the possible, and
this bill is a start. After
this bill becomes law we'll
work on improving it, and
we'll work on other areas
as well."
Again,
to support the bill, click
here.
Glenn
Appears on the Dennis
Prager Show--Audio Available
I discussed
my co-authored column
The Rise in 'Gray Divorce':
It's Always Hubby's Fault
(Houston Chronicle,
2/18/06) on the Dennis
Prager Show on the
Salem Radio Network on March
8. The 45 minute audio
(without commercials) is
available by clicking
here. We discussed
many of the issues which
serve to drive husbands
and wives apart.
Glenn
Appears on ABC's World
News Tonight
I discussed
the new "Roe v.
Wade for Men" lawsuit
and the issue of choice
for men on ABC's World
News Tonight on March
9. I appeared right after
Kim Gandy, president of
the National Organization
for Women who, needless
to say, is pro-choice--but
only for women...
Glenn
Appears on the Mike Gallagher
Show
I discussed
the new "Roe v.
Wade for Men" lawsuit
and the issue of choice
for men on the Mike Gallagher
Show on March 9. I like
Mike and have appeared on
his show before but I still
expected him to rake me
over the coals over this
issue. Instead I was pleasantly
surprised to find that he
was quite supportive--I
guess we're making progress.
My
View of Choice for Men
I outlined
my views on the issue of
choice for men in several
of my newspapers columns,
including in my column
30 Years After Roe v. Wade,
How About Choice for Men?
(Mail & Guardian,
1/27/03).
I do believe, however, that
this is a complex and multifaceted
issue, and I think there
are reasonable arguments
to be made on all sides,
including from feminist
opponents on the left and
pro-life opponents on the
right. |
The American Coalition for
Fathers and Children
The American Coalition for
Fathers and Children is
dedicated to creating a
family law system which
promotes equal rights for
all parties affected by
divorce. Contact the
ACFC at 1-800-978-3237 or
visit them on the web at
www.acfc.org.
Lisa Scott Launches RealFamilyLaw.com
Shared Parenting Advocate/Family
Law Attorney Lisa Scott
has just launched
www.RealFamilyLaw.com
to expose the truth about
what is happening in our
family law system. Lisa,
the all-time leader in appearances
on His Side with Glenn
Sacks, says that she
was "tired of having
her stuff rejected by elitist
bar publications and politically-correct
newspapers" and decided
to start her own website.
www.RealFamilyLaw.com
|
New Column: Kansas License
Bill Unfair to Noncustodial
Parents
My new
co-authored column,
Kansas License Bill Unfair
to Noncustodial Parents
(Wichita Eagle, 3/8/06),
discusses a new Kansas bill
which will allow child support
enforcement to seize the
driver's licenses of fathers
who fall $500 behind on
their child support. The
bill sailed through the
Kansas House on a 102-23
vote and now resides in
the Kansas Senate.
Kansas
Rep. Jason Watkins (R-Wichita)
said during the floor debate
that the bill "is a
hammer" that is "designed
to get somebody's attention."
With the exception of my
column, all of the media
attention on the bill has
been positive if not outright
fawning. In the column family
law attorney Jeff Leving
and I wrote:
"While
such measures always make
for good sound bites and
electoral politics, they
make poor public policy.
That's because the vast
majority of those behind
on child support are low-income
parents who have been saddled
with artificially inflated
paper arrearages that they
couldn't possibly pay....
"HB
2706's $500 arrearage limit
is particularly misguided
and destructive. A Kansas
father of three who earns
a pre-tax income of $3,850
a month pays about $1,050
a month in child support.
If he is out of work for
even a brief period, HB
2706's punitive measures
could impede his ability
to earn a living, sending
him into a downward spiral
of arrearages and debt."
Media Opportunity--Have
You Had Problems with Your
Child Support?
Whenever
a column on this issue is
published it represents
a media opportunity for
those victimized by the
system to speak out in the
Letters to the Editor section.
You can write to the
Wichita Eagle, Kansas'
second largest newspaper,
regarding
License bill unfair to noncustodial
parents by clicking
here.
'Deadbeat Dad' Bashing is
a Popular Sport
Pandering
politicians, chest-thumping
law enforcement officials
and lickspittle columnists
are continually taking shots
at alleged "deadbeat
dads." I can't stop
them, but I can at least
go from state to state criticizing
them. I've criticized dad-bashing
child support campaigns
and legislation in columns
published in California,
Virginia, Kentucky, Massachusetts,
Kansas and other states.
One of
the things I do is examine
the lists of the "Top
10 Most Wanted Deadbeats"
put out by most states and
point out the meager incomes
these "deadbeats"
earn. For example, in my
co-authored column
Virginia Declares War on
Deadbroke Dads (Norfolk
Virginian-Pilot, 8/30/05)
I wrote:
"A
laborer. A cashier.
A carnival hired hand. A
construction worker. All
with children. Are
they the featured men and
women in a newspaper article
about hard times in the
state of Virginia?
The hopefuls for a local
job training program?
The applicants for emergency
relief? No--they are the
'deadbeat parents' who top
the list of Virginia's 'Most
Wanted' for falling behind
on child support. These
three men and one woman
together somehow owe well
over a quarter of a million
dollars in back child support."
Kansas Child Support Officials
Refuse to Answer My Question
In researching
the column I contacted
the Kansas Department of
Social and Rehabilitation
Services, which is in charge
of child support enforcement.
DSRS had recently made waves
in the Kansas City Star
by revealing that their
top five "deadbeats"
averaged $225,000 in child
support arrearages. It is
part of their campaign in
support of HB 2706.
I contacted
the DSRS public relations
man and asked him for the
occupations of these highflying
"deadbeats." He
told me he would get back
to me with the information.
He didn't, and didn't return
my subsequent calls. In
the Wichita Eagle
we wrote:
"While
Kansas SRS officials recently
announced that their top
five deadbeats owe an average
of $225,000 in back child
support, they have refused
to disclose these individuals'
occupations."
An Example of How Quickly
Dads Can Fall $500 Behind
and Be Subject to These
Draconian Penalties
From
the article "No
check, but child support
still owed" (Cincinnati
Enquirer, 3/10/06):
"As
the paychecks for locked-out
AK Steel workers stop rolling
in, Michael Murphy will
be worrying about more than
just paying the mortgage
and the grocery bills.
"Murphy is one of about
300 employees at the Middletown
works who owe court-ordered
child support payments.
It remains unclear whether
they will be penalized for
failing to make those payments
when the paychecks stop,
a situation that starts
today for many workers.
"'Unfortunately, there's
no stay that we get to defer
that payment,' said Murphy,
48, of Middletown, who pays
to support two children
in Montgomery County. 'It
gets a little rough without
money coming in ... $800
a month is not easy to come
up with.'
"Of the 2,700 workers
locked out March 1, about
300 had weekly payments
deducted through the Butler
County Child Support Enforcement
Agency. Dozens more are
on child-support payment
rosters in Clermont, Hamilton
and Warren counties.
"If the workers miss
a month of payments, they
could lose their driver's
licenses and face other
penalties." |
New Edition of
Leving's Divorce Magazine
Now Online
The second edition of
Leving's Divorce Magazine,
the new magazine for the
modern divorced men, is
now available online with
articles focusing on issues
such as men's reproductive
rights (or lack thereof),
Parental Alienation Syndrome
and child support. Visit
now and get a free subscription.
The Second Wives Club
The Second Wives Club is
what women in blended families
are looking for: Remarriage,
divorce, child custody,
and step parenting discussed
in a solution-oriented,
mature, and intelligent
way; articles and news written
by thought-provoking experts
and journalists; personal
accounts and advice from
some of life's most interesting
women.
www.SecondWivesClub.com |
Abused Man's Daughter Speaks
Out
Some
of you may recall my co-authored
column
California Domestic Violence
Lawsuit Will Help Secure
Services for All Abuse Victims
(Los Angeles Daily Journal,
San Francisco Daily Journal,
12/28/05), which discussed
a new lawsuit filed in order
to begin to bring equity
to California's domestic
violence establishment.
I co-authored it with Marc
Angelucci, the attorney
who filed the suit. The
column begins:
"At
the age of 11, Maegan Woods
tried to stop a domestic
dispute between her parents.
She soon found herself staring
down the barrel of her father's
shotgun. She watched helplessly
as the trigger was pulled.
She is only alive today
because the gun didn't fire--the
safety was on.
"Maegan
was abused and witnessed
domestic violence in her
home for most of her childhood.
By age seven there had been
knife attacks, punches,
kicks, and more. It was
hard to leave--the abuser
was the one who earned the
money, and the victim was
unable to work because of
a disability. On numerous
occasions they looked for
help to escape the abuse
but were refused. Why?
"Because
in Maegan's family, the
abused spouse was her father,
and the battering and child
abuse were perpetrated by
her mother."
Maegan
Black has written a powerful
letter in which she describes
her childhood growing up
in a house where her mother
frequently abused her father,
and how nobody would help
her because of the "woman
good/man bad" mentality
that surrounds the domestic
violence issue. Maegan writes:
"As
a child I grew up watching
my mother commit multiple
acts of violence against
my dad. The earliest incident
I remember occurred when
I was four, and my mother
continued to be violent
up until April of 2003.
"No one would help.
Teachers, parents of friends,
anyone I tried to talk to
about what was going on
at home basically told me
I didn't understand, and
that my mother couldn't
possibly be the violent
party. The few times the
police came to our home,
they would always be ready
to arrest my father, sometimes
getting so far as to put
the handcuffs on him, and
it was up to me to scream
as loud as possible that
it was my mommy and not
my daddy so they wouldn't
take him away and leave
me with her.
"Sometimes when my
mom would attack, Pops would
try to defend himself, just
to get her off him, stop
hitting him, whatever. Every
time he defended himself,
whether he left bruises
or not, Mom would go get
a restraining order. She
didn't have to show bruises
or prove she was in danger
or anything, just saying
she was 'afraid' was enough.
"I grew up in this
sort of environment and
I learned the only way to
survive was to watch every
argument they had and be
ready to interject myself
as a distraction if I could
before violence happened.
I grew up paranoid and feeling
like the safety in my house
was something only I was
responsible for. If Mom
became violent, it meant
I FAILED. That feeling would
hit me like a bucket of
cold water, but there wouldn't
be any time for feeling
sorry for myself. My next
task was to try to break
it up, screaming, threatening,
pleading, whatever. I had
to make sure no details
escaped me because if the
cops got called they'd just
believe my mom without question,
and it was MY job to make
sure the truth at least
got heard.
"Somehow, probably
through the grace of God,
I came out of my childhood
relatively normal. I learned
to deal with my family's
weird problems and history
by trying to understand
it the best I could. I became
something of an armchair
psychologist, really. Today
I have a functional and
friendly relationship with
both of my parents. After
2003 my mother voluntarily
got help for her abusive
ways and has become a totally
different person. I can
say honestly that I like
her, and it is possible
that somewhere deep down
that I love her.
"About a year and a
half ago my father and I
were introduced to Marc
Angelucci, a leader of the
Los Angeles chapter of the
National Coalition of Free
Men, and he asked us if
we would be interested in
trying to change the sort
of treatment and attention
male victims of domestic
violence receive. He talked
to us about the California
Battered Women Protection
Act of 1994, which codified
in Health &
Safety Codes Section 124250
that defined domestic violence
as something only experienced
by women. This particular
code created funding for
domestic violence shelters
and services. Because the
law defines only women as
victims of domestic violence,
there is NO MONEY for male
victims of domestic violence.
The children of couples
where the woman is the aggressor
and the man is the victim
are left with NOTHING. No
help, no voice, no place
to turn, and if their father
does somehow manage to get
out, they'll more likely
than not live with their
abusive mother.
"Lovely system, really.
When Marc explained all
this me I wanted to cry.
Groups which shout at the
top of their lungs that
they're helping women and
children escape from violent
and possibly life-threatening
situations had shut the
door on my family. They
had made sure that my father
could never get help, endangering
me in the process, all in
the name of gender politics
and someone's personal agenda.
"Pops and I agreed
to help Marc try to change
this law. We're now currently
suing the State in Black
v. California to try
to get that law changed.
We just want the to be gender
neutral, so men are helped
and women are helped. End
of subject. My interest
is for kids growing up now
in situations similar to
what mine was to be helped
and have their families
helped the way I wasn't
and my family wasn't."
|
Help, Resources for Dads
The
National Fathers' Resource
Center is a division
of
Fathers For Equal Rights,
Inc. (FER), located
in Dallas, Texas, with offices
in both Dallas and Houston.
In existence for over three
decades, it has services
and resources for dads nationwide
and is one of the largest
and most active fathers'
rights organizations in
the U.S.
www.fathers4kids.org
Are You Really the Father?
Find out the underlying
flaws in the DNA paternity
testing system and learn
how a man with results in
the 90%, 95% or even 99%
positive range may not be
the father. Learn what most
lawyers and judges don't
know about paternity
testing.
www.paternitytestflaw.com
The Secrets of Happily Married
Men
How can a man achieve a
long and happy marriage?
If you've been checking
out advice columns
or seeing a therapist, you
may have been looking in
the wrong place. Despite
all the advances in brain
technology, and all of that
we have learned about developmental
psychology--men and women
are given the same advice
about solving problems.
But when we ask men what
works for them, we hear
a different story.
www.SecretsofMarriedMen.com
|
Fathers' Rights Activists
Doth Protest Too Much
According
to the article
Divorced father told to
earn more (Daily
Telegraph, 3/7/06):
"A
doctor who quit his high-paying
job for a quieter life after
his marriage ended has been
ordered to continue paying
a high level of child support
because he has the 'potential'
to earn more money.
"The divorced 48-year-old
GP, who cannot be identified,
was earning around $320,000
a year at his 24-hour surgery
before he and his wife split.
"The stress of the
relationship ending caused
him to seek a sea change,
quitting his role at the
surgery and taking up a
part-time position at a
family medical centre, being
paid around $40,000 a year.
"But a Child Support
Agency case officer ruled
the doctor's drop in income
was due to a 'lifestyle
choice' and ordered him
to maintain yearly payments
of $18,700, including the
bulk of a $4,000 sum for
private school tuition.
"After a Family Court
judge agreed with the assessment,
the doctor appealed
to the court's full bench.
"However, in a written
judgment, the court has
found the GP should pay
child
support based on an average
earning capacity of around
$80,000--twice the
amount he now earns at his
smaller surgery.
"The doctor and his
therapist wife separated
in 2000 and have two children
aged 12 and nine.
"Two months after the
couple's separation, the
doctor quit his job, citing
stress from the break-up.
"He later joined a
small, family medical centre
that bulk-billed patients.
"'The father asserted
that he was earning about
$40,000 per annum whilst
the
mother contended that he
had a capacity to earn about
$300,000 per annum,'
the judgment said.
"'The father acknowledged
that he had earned a very
significant sum as a
general practitioner but
... had joined a family
medical centre and did not
wish to return to the busier
practice at the 24-hour
medical centre.'
"Judge James Barry
found the doctor had adopted
a different lifestyle by
choice and could be earning
double the amount he was
currently paid.
"'No one is expecting
[him] to earn a taxable
income of $250,000 to $300,000
a year as he did at the
time prior to the separation,'
Judge Barry said.
"'However, it is not
unrealistic to expect a
general practitioner with
20
years' experience ... to
earn an income of $80,000
a year.'
"In evidence to the
court, the doctor conceded
he could earn more than
$42,000 a year if he worked
full time."
An Australian fathers' activist
who I respect wrote that
this case illustrates "the
second class citizen status
of separated fathers"
and that divorced dads "no
longer have the discretion,
that other citizens do,
to chose to change their
lifestyle and employment."
In this
case, I beg to differ. A
few comments:
1) Courts
frequently impute unrealistic
income to fathers, which
pushes them to work two
jobs or fall hopelessly
behind on child support.
I've discussed this issue
on
His
Side with Glenn Sacks
and also in several columns,
including in my co-authored
column
Have Anti-Father Family
Court Policies
Led to a Men's Marriage
Strike? (Philadelphia
Inquirer, 7/5/02).
2)
Were the imputed income
to be in the $300,000 range,
as his apparently selfish
and greedy ex-wife demands,
it would be terribly unfair,
because it would necessitate
him working substantial
overtime, as he was doing
before.
3) Imputed
income does have its appropriate
uses, and I believe this
Australian case is one of
them. I don't think it's
unrealistic to expect this
doctor to work full-time,
and apparently a full-time
professional in his position
can earn at least $80,000.
(Whether the Australian
child support guidelines
themselves are unfair is
a separate question).
4) How
many times have I heard
men legitimately complain
that their exes stopped
working as soon as they
got their windfall divorce
settlement? Or that their
highly educated ex-wives
started working part-time,
leaving the divorced dad
to work harder to pick up
the slack? It seems to me
that this case is essentially
the same thing.
5) Fathers'
activist Dave Friedman was
in the audience on the Phil
Donohue Show a few years
ago, and explained to Donohue
that his ex-wife, an attorney
capable of earning a high
income, had quit working,
leaving the full responsibility
of supporting the kids on
him. I don't see how the
Australian case is too much
different than that.
|
|
Some Reflections on Kirby
Puckett
Tom Sylvester is
an affiliate scholar at
the
Institute for American Values,
and he and I have clashed
several occasions, including
on
His Side with Glenn Sacks.
Sylvester and the IAV
do good work on the importance
of marriage and fathers,
and they're correct up to
a point that male irresponsibility
has helped create fatherlessness.
However, they err in blaming
men and fathers almost exclusively
for divorce and fatherlessness.
They also err in refusing
to acknowledge that millions
of children are fatherless
today because their mothers
and the family law system
have driven their loving
fathers out of their children's
lives.
Hall
of Fame baseball player
Kirby Puckett--one of the
most popular baseball players
of all time--died last week,
resulting in numerous adulatory
articles and commentaries.
I was uncomfortable with
the reaction to Puckett's
death from the beginning.
Sylvester, who grew up in
Minnesota and idolized Puckett
as a child, summed up some
of my ambivalent feelings
in a blog entry on the IAV's
Family Scholars blog.
Sylvester wrote:
"The
revelations of infidelity,
domestic violence, and sexual
assault forever changed
my view of him. [Yes, he
was acquitted, but I've
talked to both his lawyer
and members of the prosecution
team, and he probably did
it]. It many ways, the
Sports Illustrated cover
story wiped away the
last vestiges of my childhood
innocence. It is tragic
when anyone dies so young.
Yet as much as I hate to
say it, the Kirby Puckett
I thought I knew was already
dead, if he ever existed.
Too often we heap praise
upon athletes, or look the
other way when they do wrong,
because we want to love
them. We want to have heroes.
Kirby Puckett was a great
baseball player. But Kirby
was no hero. Too bad the
media doesn't seem to care."
I don't
know that I agree with Sylvester's
views about Puckett's guilt,
and revelations of infidelity
about young baseball players
certainly aren't going to
shock me. Wives and ex-wives
often make false domestic
violence charges against
men. Mistresses, strangers
and hangers-on often try
to set athletes up for assault
or sexual assault charges
as a way of extorting large
sums of money from them.
But everybody can't always
be lying, and there are
enough accusations against
Puckett to make a reasonable
person assume that there's
something to them.
(Pointing
out that women sometimes
use false charges of domestic
violence, that sometimes
men, not women are the victims
of domestic violence, and
that accusations of
rape are sometimes false
is not the same as dismissing
the importance of these
acts of violence when they
really do occur. My feminist
critics, of course, don't
agree).
I was
a big baseball fan as a
kid, and I idolized players
like Davey Lopes, Don Sutton,
Steve Garvey and Joe Ferguson
(remember him?). The "Puckett
Question" is "how
should an adult view his
childhood idols who turned
out to be significantly
less than ideal?"
For me,
that question was answered
many years ago by former
Yankee star pitcher Jim
Bouton. In 1969 Bouton wrote
the controversial baseball
diary Ball Four,
the first book to tear away
the idealized picture given
of athletes and reveal them
to be what most of us are--decent
but flawed human beings.
Bouton was vilified for
telling these truths, and
subsequently thought about
the "Puckett Question"
in detail. This is in part
because one of his childhood
idols was later his pitching
coach, with whom he had
an antagonistic relationship.
In turning the issue over
in his head Bouton later
wrote:
"There's
a song written by David
Frishberg [called] 'Van
Lingle Mungo.' The words
are, basically, just the
names of ballplayers out
of Frishberg's childhood
in the 30s and 40s, and
they're sung one after the
other in a kind of lilting
refrain: Whitey Kurowski,
Johnny Sain, Eddie Joost,
Johnny Pesky, Ferris Fain,
Van Lingle Mungo. It's a
very pleasant song, sad
and haunting. Here is a
man reliving his childhood
through the names of old
baseball players, men he
admired and respected, maybe
loved.
"For
the first time, listening
to that song, I had some
twinges of regret about
Ball Four. I felt
that perhaps a kid reading
it would be so turned off
to baseball heroes that
he would never want to write
songs about them when he
grew up, that he would never
feel nostalgic about them.
I wondered if I had really
smashed heroes, whether
I had ruined the game for
the kids and ruined it for
baseball fans.
"Well,
I thought about it, and
then I thought about it
some more. And I decided,
no, that's not the way things
work. I went through the
same stage when I was a
kid. I loved the Giants.
I loved Alvin Dark and Dusty
Rhodes and Sal Maglie. Even
now, thinking back, I can
remember exactly how I felt
about these men. There is
still that same rush of
good feeling when I think
about them and what they
meant to me. Sal Maglie,
the Barber, the old heavy-bearded
master who used to go in
and brush back the Dodgers
with the curveball, the
clever old competitor, the
tough old guy who really
put it to them. And Alvin
'Blackie' Dark. I wonder
how many people remember
he was called Blackie; the
clutch hitter with the black
bat who worked those great
double plays with Eddie
Stanky. They're still the
old Giants to me and my
memories of them are still
so happy that if I could
write songs I'd write one
about them.
"But
I think there are two Sal
Maglies, two Alvin Darks,
and two Dusty Rhodes...I
could write a song about
one of them--the one from
my childhood. But I'm writing
no songs about Sal Maglie,
the pitching coach, my
pitching coach, who did
me more harm than good.
"So
I think it's possible that
you can view people as heroes
and at the same time understand
that they are people, too,
imperfect, narrow sometimes,
even not very good at what
they do. I didn't smash
any heroes or ruin the game
for anybody. You want heroes,
you can have them. Heroes
exist only in the mind anyway."
|
How Does Sex Discrimination
Affect Men and Boys?
The
National Coalition of Free
Men is a non-profit educational
& civil rights organization
that looks at the ways sex
discrimination affects men
and boys.
NCFM helps provide men
a unified voice on important
political and social issues.
www.NCFM.org
Help for Boston Dads
Boston family law attorney
Nick Palermo is a shared custody
advocate who believes that
divorced dads are parents,
not visitors. The Law Offices
of Nicholas Palermo is a dedicated
and committed trial law firm
which has worked to make shared
custody for all fit parents
the law of the land.
LAW OFFICES OF NICHOLAS PALERMO |
Anti-Father Author Called
on Distortion
Some
of you may recall my comments
here about the Newsweek
article on the boy crisis
in education and anti-father
author Peggy Drexler. Objecting
to the Newsweek article,
Drexler wrote:
"I
wonder what mothers like
Lance Armstrong's make of
such statements as 'An adolescent
boy without a father figure
is like an explorer without
a map.' The assumption that
'masculine' qualities can
be imparted only by men
undermines the success of
millions of mothers who
are fully capable of raising
thriving, emotionally healthy,
masculine sons without a
man around. Linda Armstrong
raised Lance on her own
and did quite well..."
I noted
that "of course there
are many single and lesbian
mothers who can and do effectively
raise boys, just as there
are many 'traditional' couples
who can't. But children
raised by a mother and a
father fare much better,
on average, than children
raised by single mothers."
But apparently
Drexler didn't even get
it right in Armstrong's
case. Paul Coughlin, author
of
No More Christian Nice Guy:
When Being Nice--Instead
of Good--Hurts Men, Women,
and Children, is
an avid bicyclist, and as
a result has followed Lance
Armstrong's career closely.
In one of his recent enewsletters
he wrote:
"I
keep an eye on Lance and
I'm amazed by his abilities,
especially his cadence and
lightness on the pedals
as he flies up mountains.
I'm also familiar with his
background, apparently more
so than Drexler. Young Lance
Armstrong was not 'emotionally
healthy.' He was, by his
own admission, a lost and
angry young jerk. Two trainers,
Chris Charmichael and Johann
Bruyneel, took him under
their paternal wing and
coaxed stellar talent out
of his troubled body and
soul. Eddy Merckx, perhaps
the greatest cyclist ever,
was also a huge influence
in Lance's life. When others
abandoned him professionally,
his agent Ken Stapleton
stayed by his side.
"And it was another
racer who, seeing young,
brash, angry Lance in a
field sprint with him near
the finish line, who taught
Lance a lesson in humility
that he never forgot. The
well-respected racer hit
his brakes because he did
not want to appear on the
same podium as troubled
Armstrong. This man gave
up money and fame to distance
himself from a young racer
whose emotional immaturity
and reckless disregard earned
him a growing list of detractors
who rightly complained that
Armstrong did not know how
to win well or live well.
"He was not always
the good ambassador of one
of the world's most incredible
sports that he is today.
It took the intervention
of some big souls to make
that happen."
In other words, Armstrong's
childhood was not the "fatherless
but happy" experience
that Drexler pretends it
was. I'm sure his mother
did her best but it wasn't
until there was intervention
by some male father figures
that Armstrong changed from
a antagonistic young man
into the man he is today.
Nobel
Prize Winner Credits Her
Father
Coughlin
also gives us a great quote
from Toni Morrison, the
Nobel-prize winning novelist:
"I
am a great writer because
when I was a little girl
and walked into a room where
my father was sitting, his
eyes would light up. That
is why I am a great writer.
That is why. There isn't
any other reason."
|
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|
Putting Parents Over a Barrel
Is anybody
familiar with this problem?
I took my kids to the dentist
the other day and they each
needed a filling. The silver
fillings are now considered
a hazard because they contain
Mercury, whereas the newer
white fillings aren't. Naturally
I asked for the white fillings
and guess what? Our health
insurance only covers the
silver ones--the white ones
are deemed "cosmetic"
and I have to pay four times
as much.
So naturally
I'm over a barrel and opted
to fork out the extra money
for the safer white ones.
It was particularly silly
with my daughter, since
the filling was just for
a baby tooth. But I had
a vision of her swallowing
the baby tooth with
the silver filling with
Mercury in it so I forked
over the extra money for
both of them. What a shakedown.
One small
consolation. After seeing
that needle and getting
a shot in his mouth, my
son has stopped griping
at me at night when I roust
him from bed and tell him
to brush his teeth before
he goes to sleep. It'll
probably last another week,
if that.
|
DadsDivorce.com informs
fathers about their rights
during divorce litigation
while providing them with
concrete, practical resources
to get results in the courtroom.
DadsDivorce.com is a
popular meeting place for
fathers facing divorce.
Congressional Candidate
Takes Strong Stand for Noncustodial
Parents' Rights
In 2004 Libertarian presidential
candidate Michael Badnarik
had a strong noncustodial
parents' rights
platform. Badnarik
is clearly aware of and
sensitive to the basic problems
fathers today face, particularly
the sole custody norm and
the denigration of noncustodial
parents to "second
class parent" status.
Badnarik is running for
Congress in 2006--to learn
more, go to
www.badnarik.org.
The Dakapa Handbook
Tom Whelan's
The Dakapa Handbook
is the story of how a father's
love for his children enables
him to create an adventure
that will forever bond them
together. Order the book
here. |
Divorce Attorneys, Feminists
Push Virtual Visitation
as a Substitute for Dad's
Parenting Time
The new
Associated Press article
'Virtual' visits pushed
in several states (USA
Today, 2/28/06) extols
the virtues of virtual visitation:
"Divorce
put David List and his 2-year-old
daughter on opposite sides
of the Atlantic Ocean, and
he worried that she would
soon forget him.
"She hasn't, though.
List's divorce agreement
guaranteed him 'virtual
visitation'-- the chance
to talk with his daughter
through an Internet video
connection -- and he and
Ruby Rose, now 5, usually
connect at least twice a
week. The chats sustain
them in between their in-person
visits, which come only
a few times a year.
"'When she gets off
the plane, I know what she
had for dinner last night,'
said List, 49, of Santa
Cruz, Calif. 'She'll run
right up to me and jump
in my arms because I know
exactly what she's all about.'
"Advocates of virtual
visitation want states to
spell out in their laws
that judges can make it
part of a divorce agreement.
"The benefits go beyond
helping parents and children
stay close, supporters argue.
They say non-custodial parents
are more likely to pay child
support regularly if they
can stay in touch, and electronic
visits can help keep children
from getting caught up in
fights when bickering exes
meet in person.
"Utah made virtual
visitation an official option
in 2004, and similar legislation
awaits the governor's signature
in Wisconsin. Illinois,
Missouri and Virginia lawmakers
have introduced proposals,
too."
I frankly
find all of this happy talk
about virtual visitation
appalling. I have no problem
with virtual visitation
in and of itself--what I
oppose is the way it is
commonly used to facilitate
damaging post-divorce move-aways.
In my co-authored column
No Virtue in Virtual Visitation
(Boston Globe, 7/12/02)
we wrote:
"This
week's 'virtual visitation'
ruling by a Massachusetts
court points to a new and
dangerous trend in family
law--judges permitting mothers
to move their children hundreds
or thousands of miles away
from their fathers, and
justifying the separation
by ordering Internet video
conferencing as a purported
substitute for a father's
time with his children.
"In her ruling, Judge
E. Chouteau Merrill awarded
a Boston-area woman sole
custody of her three small
children, and gave her permission
to move the children 225
miles away. Merrill granted
two weekend visits a month
to Paul, the ex-husband
and father of the couple's
five year-old son and twin
two year-old daughters.
The children will be moved
to Long Island, New York.
"Paul's standard weekday
visitation was replaced
by 'virtual visits' on Tuesdays
and Thursdays from 6 to
7 p.m. Merrill explained
that the computer conferences
are relatively cheap and
will allow Paul to read
to his children and help
them with their homework...
"Hundreds of thousands
of divorced dads like Paul
are victims of 'Move Away
Moms' who either do not
value their children's relationships
with their fathers, place
their own needs above those
of their children, or use
geography as a method of
driving fathers out of their
children's lives. The misplaced
use of virtual visitation
as a rationalization for
the troubled consciences
of both move away moms and
family court judges will
exacerbate the problem."
Virtual
visitation is supported
by numerous anti-father
feminists. For example,
when I appeared on Univision's
Aqui y Ahora last
year to discuss post-divorce
move-aways,
Olga Vives, Action Vice
President of the National
Organization for Women,
cited virtual visitation
as an acceptable substitute
for a noncustodial father's
time with his children.
To watch the show, click
here.
When
I appeared on PBS in Los
Angeles discussing the same
issue, feminist law professor
Carol Bruch, who authored
the mother's brief in the
LaMusga move-away
case, made a similar argument.
To watch,
click here.
(Aqui
y Ahora featured the
story of Jose Ceballos,
one of my readers whose
little son was moved 1,500
miles away against his will.
Ceballos had the best line
of the show. He said that
as a father he has less
rights than his family dog
does because--"the
dog can see my son whenever
he wants--I can only see
my son when I'm allowed
to." I don't have the
time to translate it, but
for those of you who speak
Spanish, check out the opening
interview with a would-be
move-away mom, and the trivial,
lame reasons she has for
wanting to move her kids
1,000 miles away from their
father. She even offered
the dad $50,000 cash if
he allows her to move his
children out of his life
and the mean SOB told her
he didn't want her money,
he wanted his kids).
In the
column we also noted that
"virtual visitation
opens up endless opportunities
for interference by custodial
parents," and since
then I've heard from many
noncustodial parents who
tell me they've experienced
the problems we discussed
in the column.
My position
on virtual visitation has
often been misunderstood
and misrepresented. For
example, when I was interviewed
for the article "Divorced
parents visit their kids
over the Internet"
(Oakland Tribune
& others , 5/3/04),
I emphasized to the reporter
that I was not opposed to
virtual visitation but only
to the way it is used as
a tool to facilitate move-aways.
My quote in the article?
"'I'm opposed to virtual
visitation,' said Glenn
Sacks..."
|
|
New
Rap Song Discusses How Young
Unwed Fathers Struggle to
Be Part of Their Children's
Lives
Young
African-American fathers
are routinely stereotyped
as irresponsible cads who
have abandoned their offspring.
While it is certainly true
that there are some men
who do not come through
for their children or who
have behaved irresponsibly,
it is also true that many
unwed fathers fight a long,
hard struggle to remain
a part of their children's
lives. The struggle can
be particularly difficult
for young African-American
fathers.
A new
rap song, "Baby Mama
Drama" by J-Shin, powerfully
captures these young men's
problems. It discusses many
of the challenges facing
these men--false accusations
of DV made out of spite,
legal bills, siccing the
child support enforcement
agency on the father over
money mom knows dad has
already paid, and others.
Some of the lyrics are:
"Let
me tell you 'bout my life/it's
baby mama drama/all we do
is fight/believe me when
I tell you she ain't right/every
night I'm on the phone/would
you leave me alone?/My baby's
cryin', my baby's is sick,
she's croakin'/I jump in
my car and I race to the
house--she's jokin'/Girl
why can't you just let it
go?"
and also
"I
got some papers in the mail
just the other day/It was
in reference to a court
case I had back in May/when
I tell you what it is you
won't believe/My Baby Mama
once again been deceivin'/She
lied, talkin' about I put
my hands on her/plus I'm
months behind on my child
support/ I see my baby plus
I give her money every week/so
tell me why you treat me
like a deadbeat?"
To listen
to the song, click
here.
I discussed
some of these issues in
my co-authored column
National Fatherhood Initiative's
Ad Campaign Insults African-American
Fathers (Pasadena
Star-News & Affiliated
Papers, 6/14/04) and also
on
His Side with Glenn Sacks
at
National Fatherhood Initiative
Attacks Black Fathers
(4/25/04).
Unfortunately
the music video for "Baby
Mama Drama" is very
disappointing. I had hoped
that perhaps it would be
a dramatization of a father's
love for his child. Or (heaven
forbid) of the way mothers
push fathers out of their
children's lives. Instead
it was the usual rap video
full of scantily-clad women
with no visible connection
to the song's powerful lyrics.
I'd like to think that J-Shin
wrote the song sincerely
and the record company forced
that ridiculous video on
him.
Swimsuit Issue Sparks Domestic
Violence
When
women are violent, there's
always an excuse for it
and it's never a big deal.
In the article
Swimsuit Issue Sparks Domestic
Violence (Wheeling
News Register, 3/4/06),
Katie Wilson wrote:
"As
the saying goes, there's
nothing like the fury of
a woman, especially when
she's enraged over the latest
copy of the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit edition.
"A city couple was
arrested on misdemeanor
domestic battery charges
last week. Jeremy A. Robinson,
31, 116 Tomlinson Ave.,
and his girlfriend, Nicky
N. Graham, 21, of the same
address, were arraigned
by Magistrate Mark Kerwood
on Feb. 15. They were released
on $1,500 bond each that
day.
"The fight reportedly
began when Robinson received
the Sports Illustrated
swimsuit edition in the
mail.
"According to the criminal
complaint filed by city
police Patrolman Keith McCallen,
a fight was reported in
the 100 block of Tomlinson
Avenue just before 6 p.m.
Feb. 15. On arrival, McCallen
spoke with Robinson, who
stated Graham had attacked
him because he got the magazine
in the mail.
"Graham was found upstairs
in the residence, and said
they originally began arguing
because Robinson would not
get a job.
"McCallen's
report states Robinson's
shirt was torn and there
were scratch marks on his
chest. Graham reportedly
stated she did tear his
shirt because his hands
were around her neck. Graham
also alleged Robinson pushed
her against a wall.
"McCallen's
report states when he asked
Graham who the aggressor
was, she reportedly said
both of them were."
Wilson
can be reached at
kwilson@news-register.net.
|
|
Progress on the Male Birth
Control Pill
I know
as much about biology as
I do about ballet but apparently
there's been more progress
towards a male birth control
pill. The article
Slowing Sperm Down: Two
studies shed light on the
movement of sperm cells
and how to stop them in
their tracks discusses
some of the newest findings
and progress.
Women
have long complained--with
good cause--that they have
had to shoulder an unequal
burden in the area of contraception.
In my column
Do Women Really Want a Male
Birth Control Pill?
(Newsday, 4/11/05)
I made the point that this
burden also gives women
control over one of the
most important parts of
any human being's life--reproduction.
I explained that this is
a control which some women
will not be happy about
losing.
I also
noted that the pill will
greatly increase men's autonomy
and control over their own
lives. I wrote:
"While
most women are responsible
and want to have children
with a willing, committed
partner, studies show that
lack of reproductive control
can be a major problem for
men today. For example,
the National Scruples and
Lies Survey 2004 polled
5,000 women in the United
Kingdom for That's Life!
magazine. According to that
survey, 42% of women claim
they would lie about contraception
in order to get pregnant,
regardless of the wishes
of their partners.
"Jo Checkley, the editor
of That's Life!,
is correct when she says
'to deliberately get pregnant
when your partner doesn't
want a baby is playing Russian
roulette with other people's
lives.'
"According to research
conducted by Joyce Abma
of the National Center for
Health Statistics and Linda
Piccinino of Cornell University,
over a million American
births each year result
from pregnancies which men
did not intend...
"...most men realize
that it's difficult to remain
a part of their children's
lives once the relationship
with the children's mother
has broken down, particularly
if the children were born
outside of marriage. The
pill will help ensure that
men only have children in
the context that's best
for men--a stable marriage."
|
Who's Paying for Your Next
Date?
Rachel Kramer Bussel has
some interesting (and objectionable)
ruminations on the all-important
question of who should pay
for dates in her column
Who's Paying for Your Next
Date? Deciphering the tricky
triangle of cash, sex, and
romance (Village Voice,
2/24/06). Bussel writes:
"Most
women claim the guy should
pay, regardless of who asked
whom out or who makes more
money. Like it or not, the
tradition's a stubborn holdover
from past eras when women
couldn't afford to go halfsies.
Lauren Henderson, author of
Jane Austen's Guide to
Dating, believes paying
is a sign of respect. 'Symbols
are important, and a man who
can't buy a woman dinner on
their first date is a man
who will be emotionally deficient
at making a woman feel cared
about'...
"Nearly every dating
or etiquette guide weighs
in on the topic, and almost
all stick to the same story.
Shelly Branch and Sue Callaway,
authors of What Would Jackie
Do?, advise that the former
first lady would never pick
up a tab until she'd established
her date as a serious prospect,
as she did with JFK. As unequal
as this system seems, it makes
sense; it's almost impossible
to gauge a guy's personality
within the span of one date.
This simple test weeds out
the cheapskates...
"Where does sex come
into play? Guys: If you're
looking to get laid, getting
the check is the bare minimum.
This doesn't guarantee your
way into her bed, certainly--girls
don't want to feel like you're
buying their affection."
"It's
crass to have to think about
money when you're trying to
connect with the potential
love of your life, and there's
potential for miscommunication
and mistrust. I wish this
topic were less volatile and
divisive. But until I win
the lottery or meet my soul
mate, it's going to be a factor."
As I've noted before in print
and on the radio, I don't
agree with the above views.
In my column
Should Men Still be Expected
to Pay for Dates? (St.
Louis Post-Dispatch, 2/14/02)
I identified (and debunked)
six principal justifications
for expecting men to pay.
These are:
"Women
have to spend more on clothes,
shoes, perfume, etc., so it's
only fair that men pay";
"Men make more money
than women do for the same
job"; "I'm old-fashioned.
I expect the man to pay because
it's chivalrous"; "Whoever
asks for the date should pay";
"If men expect to get
something, they should expect
to pay for it"; and "It's
just easier this way."
I concluded:
"The
obligation of a man to pay
can wound a budding relationship
by placing money and one-sided
expectations where love and
honesty should be. In addition,
its innate unfairness hinders
the uneasy rapprochement men
and women are currently negotiating
after three decades of gender
conflict. In the long run,
abolishing this outmoded social
convention will benefit both
men and women. And what's
fair is fair."
Not everyone
agrees, of course. I was once
discussing this issue with
nationally syndicated radio
host George Noory at a broadcast
by remote from a mall. A group
of women came by and when
they heard me pontificating
on why men shouldn't have
to pay for dates, several
of them raised their hands
high and gave me the thumbs
down sign...
We had
a debate on this topic on
His
Side with Glenn Sacks
around Valentine's Day last
year--to listen, see
Female Dating Expert: 'I've
Never Paid for a Date and
I Never Will' (2/13/05).
The debate between relationship
expert
Athena Navarro, the
LA Love Coach, and Marc
Rudov, author of
The Man's No-Nonsense Guide
to Women, became heated.
Witness this exchange:
Athena Navarro: "[women]
would consider [Rudov] a feminine
wimp and would be disgusted
by the idea of being on date
with him."
Marc Rudov: "any
man who goes out with a woman
who says 'I've never paid
for a date and I never will'--that's
a wimp."
Athena Navarro: "Well,
I only date smart,
successful, handsome men...."
Kids Manipulating Their Parents
One of
my daughter's favorite shows
is Little House on the
Prairie--I have the DVDs
and she and I often watch
it together. The other night
they had an episode which
dealt with a Typhus plague.
When a man's little boy died
the father couldn't accept
it and took the boy out into
a field and leaned up against
a tree with his boy in his
arms, pretending the boy was
just asleep. When Charles
Ingalls (Michael Landon) came
to check up on them, the father
told Charles that it was wrong
for a child to be locked up
in school on such a beautiful
day and asked him to tell
the schoolteacher that his
boy wasn't coming to school
that day.
I actually
remembered that scene from
watching the show as a child
30 years ago. At the time
I thought the father's actions
were inexplicable. Now I understand
completely and, in all honesty,
I would probably snap the
same way were I ever in that
situation.
My wife
and I were so disturbed by
it that we started getting
very worried about our son,
who was at a boy scout
meeting. When he got dropped
off we both rushed to hug
him and wouldn't let him go.
He thought we were both nuts
but after we explained he
understood. Then he said "since
you're so glad to see me,
could you make an exception
and let me play with my PlayStation
tonight?"
He had
lost his PlayStation privileges
over a bad grade but immediately
saw opportunity when it knocked.
Clever boy. It didn't work,
though--as part of my role
as the ever vigilant person
put on earth for the sole
purpose of making sure that
my son never has any fun,
I told him he couldn't.
Officials
Say Woman Made Up Gang Rape
Story, Gets Slap on the Wrist
According
to the Florida TV report
Officials: Woman's Gang Rape
Story Is Bogus:
"The
Orange County Sheriff's Office
just announced that it has
arrested the woman who claimed
she was raped by several men
who work at Walt Disney World.
They say the woman made up
the story, and that the sex
was consensual....
"On
Feb. 26, police responded
to a report of an alleged
sexual battery involving multiple
suspects...Orange County Sex
Crimes Investigator Detective
Phillip Graves has determined
that Sunde's account of the
incident was not factual and
that the sexual encounters
were, in fact, consensual.
The suspects in the alleged
attacks were cooperative with
the investigation from its
onset to the point of providing
a video tape of the incident,
which helped corroborate their
account of the incident."
Now the
woman who tried to put these
men in prison for years if
not decades is facing a charge
of.......making a false police
report. What a joke.
I prefer the ancient Chinese
method of dealing with false
claims--if you made a false
claim against someone, the
law gives you the penalty
that they would have
received had they been found
guilty.
As I've
mentioned before, false rape
accusations are a big problem.
I discussed the issue at length
in my co-authored column
Research Shows False Accusations
of Rape Common (Los
Angeles Daily Journal, San
Francisco Daily Journal, 9/15/04,
World Net Daily,
9/18/04) and in my E-Newsletter
(click
here and
here). We've also covered
it on
His
Side with Glenn Sacks--see
Criminalizing 'Reckless Sex'--Safeguard
for Women or New Way
to Herd Men Into Jail?
(3/6/05) and
Kobe Bryant, Rape Shield Laws,
and the False Accusations
Problem (3/21/04).
Incidentally,
my column on false rape accusations
has become a favorite for
Sacks bashers on several feminist
websites. It's quite a phenomenon--sometimes
there are 50 or 100 comments
criticizing my column without
anyone actually stopping to
read the column they're criticizing.
Glenn
Receives 'Order of Merit'
from Dads/Moms of Michigan
Dads of Michigan and Moms
of Michigan have
awarded me the "Order
of Merit" for 2005
for "reflecting the time-tested
principles and ideals committed
to ensuring preservation of
family values and that both
parents are involved in their
children's lives." The
groups are the
Michigan affiliates of
the
American Coalition for Fathers
and Children and they
both do good work and fight
the good fight.
Best
Wishes,
Glenn Sacks
GlennSacks.com
HisSide.com |
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