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Open Letter to New York Times - Father's Day 2006 Here I sit alone on fathers day with a broken heart
I just had
a ten minute call with my two beautiful girls, ages 6 and 9, which my
wife started intentionally alienating from me about two weeks ago over a
simple property dispute. This is one of only about three calls to
my children my wife has allowed in these past two weeks. The judge has
not discouraged this behavior, as I hear they pretty much support
whatever "mom" wants after the initial award of "temporary custody" upon
filing of divorce. This then become the precendent and living situation
for a year or two and it is hard to reverse. Generally when I call my
wife just says "the children don't want to talk to you" without checking
and hangs up on me. I do this three times a day hoping the kids will see
I am trying to talk to them and call back. I have always had a very
close relationship with my children and if this feeling exists in the
children, which I doubt, it is something she has created very recently.
It is easy to manipulate children though later in life they will regret
this.
Even my
phone calls are now at the complete discretion of an angry ex-wife with
emotional and mental health issues.
A top
world-wide expert has rated me an "outstanding dad" after spending a
full visitation weekend with us. I love my children so much I would give
my life for them without hesitation. I think most fathers feel this
way. Yet the court system denies me my fundamental constitutional
rights with complete immunity for the apparent convenience of judges and
to generate more money for lawyers and the state.
Federal
courts will not hear family cases and so there are no checks and
balances on the system that are not controlled by the state.
It has also
forced me into near poverty due to over fifty thousand in unnecessary
legal and living expenses.
The divorce
system has become a huge for-profit business which encourages dissent
between couples to drive legal fees higher. It is the only industry in
the world where dozens of people charging hundreds of dollars per hour
people stand around doing nothing for their clients waiting (in court)
their turn for one person who is paid $75/hour (the judge). Has the
judicial system never heard of scheduling time? Many of these people
are even billing two or three clients for the same waiting time. In any
industry I ever worked in, and I have been an executive in many
industries, this is called fraud. In the divorce business it is called
standard operating procedure. This practice quickly drains the assets
of the estate of divorcing couples needlessly. Even government officials
have a conflict of interest in most of their decisions. Some lawyers
admit privately that about half the lawyers have the goal of garnishing
about forty percent of the couple's estate in legal fees before a
settlement is reached. So it is not just corrupt, but in fact is a sort
of criminal conspiracy to defraud clients.
It may
sound strong but the fact is that this system is doing intentional
damage to children and the bonds between them and their parents for
money. It destroys the long-term relationship potential of the parents
too. Most men are crushed both financially and emotionally by the
divorce system. I think this harm might even be more than by the divorce
itself. Anyone that says there is not sexual bias knows little about
this system or has some interest in the status quo. The current "winner
takes all" system forces parents to battle and reveal the most horrible
things they can think of about each other, and many also fabricate
things, just to have a chance to parent their own children. This has
evolved into a truly evil system.
The supreme
court has held that the right to parent your children is so precious
that it can not be taken away except in extreme circumstances of real
harm to the children. The state can not step in except in these
dangerous situations. Yet judges often award custody to mothers by
default in 15 minute temporary order hearings where the judge can not
possibly learn the situation, never mind know what is best for the
child. In fact research shows they usually do this exactly backwards to
what is best for children. Shared parenting is the rarest outcome in
these situations and yet has been scientifically proven best for
children.
Exorbitant
child support, often three to five times the entire cost of raising the
child is the other incentive and prize for the "winner". However, the
children lose every time because of this structure. Our legal system was
design to be adversarial to protect citizens from government. In divorce
it simply decimates all the relationships of the family. This system is
completely inappropriate for divorce, where mediation and equal rights
should prevail. The cost would go down, half the lawyers would be out of
business and generations of children would be spared the proven harm
caused by being raised by only a single parent. Children raised by a
single parent have a 93% higher chance of divorce and do enormously
worse by over twenty key measures like mental health, school, crime and
other measures of success in life. It has been scientifically proven,
with over 200 research studies, that shared parenting, with near equal
time with both parents is far superior for children in the long-term.
Yet the band plays on due to the huge money that is now made by lawyers
and the federal incentives to state to drive child support higher each
year. The state gets a dollar for every three dollars in child support
they collect, making separating a child from one parent a profit center
for government. The domestic violence tail is also waiving the divorce
dog, as men are subject to "guilty until proven innocent" restraining
orders that allow women to win everything instantly when there has never
even been any domestic violence.
Fathers Day
may now be the saddest day of the year for me and millions of other dads
who just want to be the best dad they can for their children and are
blocked by a dysfunctional government bureaucracy. My fatherhood has
been stolen from me by the state that I support with my tax dollars.
About three hundred fathers of divorce silently commit suicide every
month due to the irreparable damage done to their lives. I can not
imagine a worse system than the one we have today. Like most government
monopolies because there is no competition everyone in control begins to
make decisions for their own personal self-interest instead of that of
its customers (we the people). Nearly everyone that has been through
this system agrees, yet the band plays on.
The older I get the more I respect
the vision of our founding fathers and what they created in the
U.S. Constitution. The states are ignoring these higher laws
that protect our citizens that judges must swear to uphold above
all others when they take their oath. If state family courts
obeyed the constitution this system could not exist as it does
today. However, all the players ignore these higher laws with
complete immunity. The laws are created by lawyers, for lawyers.
It is time for change and shared parenting is beginning to sweep
the nation. Talk to your state representative and demand equal
rights and time for both parents. You just might help save a
generation of children by making this law sooner. The media
needs to shine light on this dark and harmful cartel. It just
may be our top social problem today as it is harming generations
of children needlessly.
Happy fathers day to those dads who
are lucking enough to still have access to their beloved
children in marriage or divorce in spite of this horrible
situation.
With a 50% divorce rate though it
could be you next, or a close friend. So call your state rep
today and voice your support for shared parenting.
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